A new Monotony Breaker as May Day approaches that begins w/ some old “thoughts” that are timeless and very much “on target.”  Enjoy  —  and don’t forget to check out the all new Z-106.3  www.wnbz.com for a “better variety of music”. . .

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, “What brings you in today?”

I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.”  She didn’t quite know how to respond.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it ‘Pumping Rust.’

 When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.   I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.’

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have   gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

 Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘ The’   and ‘ IRS ‘ together it spells   ‘Theirs…’

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

 Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

May you always have Love to Share, Cash to Spare, And Friends who Care

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A very Special Anniversary was about to be celebrated. . .

. . . Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed Son No. 1.
‘Sorry I’m running late.  I had an emergency at the hospital

with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father.  “Important thing is we’re

all together today.”

Son No. 2 arrived.  “You and Mom look great.  Dad, I just

flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn’t

have time to shop for you.”

“It’s nothing,” said the father.  “We’re glad you were able

to come.”
 
Just then the daughter arrived “Hello and happy anniversary!

Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

 
After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved

each other very much, but we just never found the

time to get married.”

The three children gasped and said, “WHAT?  You mean

we’re bastards?”
 
“Yep,” said the father, “Cheap ones, too. .. .”

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God Speaks to a Golfer!

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Vedre, Florida, exactly the way the pros do it.

The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water.

Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole.  He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other “average” golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.

Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again.

When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.  However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying,

“Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one, a Titleist ProV1 if you have it.”

The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, “Wait. Step back.  Take a practice swing.”

So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.

The voice boomed out again, “Take another practice swing.”

Dutifully, he did.  He stopped expectantly and waited; a long silence followed.

Then, the voice again, “Use the old ball.”

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And finally  —  some interesting thoughts on the aging process that hit “pretty close to home”

I can hit the golf ball any way I can and laugh if it goes in the lake. Them’s the breaks. I’m just happy I can still hit that golf ball. 

As I’ve aged, I’ve become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon;  before   they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.   

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those  wonderful tunes of the 50, 60 & 70’s, (and play them on the radio) and if I, at the same time, wish   to weep over a lost love, I will.   

I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a  bulging   body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I  choose to,  despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They too, will get old. 

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life  is just   as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.   

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not  break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers,  or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what   give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being   imperfect.   

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray,   and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my   face.   

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair   could turn silver.   

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what   other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned   the right to be wrong.   

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free.  I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while   I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been,   or worrying about what will be.  And I shall eat dessert every single day   (if I feel like  it).   

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S STRAIGHT FROM   THE HEART! 

 Earth Day 2018  —  it only makes sense that we start w/ some beautiful photos of an “international” nature that are also a bit thought-provoking.  What follows is a cadre of “entertaining” bits that I’m sure you will enjoy.  And to enjoy it even more  —  may I suggest that you tune to www.wnbz.com for that “better variety of music” that you  love. . .

 

Magic Moments

The heavens open. Copenhagen , Denmark

Totoro, the Owl, with his mushroom

Feeding the ‘birds’ in Ecuador

             

A water spout in Genoa , Italy

So much emotion in just one photo!

Life is good

A cycling team from Rwanda sees snow
for the first time

The photographer fell off a chair when he was
taking the shot and ended up with this
masterpiece of a wedding photo

Swans swim through the street after floods, UK

A walrus becomes embarrassed when it’s given a cake
made of fish for its birthday, Norway

I really want to know what they’re looking at…

A typical rainy day in Chicago, USA

Police dogs in line for lunch

In the African wilderness

Marilyn hasn’t aged well…

A flock of sheep pass through a gate

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INTERESTING STUFF

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden’.

and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language. 

——— ——— ——— —- 

The first couple to  be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone. 

——— ——— ——— —- 

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the  U.S.  Treasury. 

— ———— ——— ——– 

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. 

——— ——— ——— —- 

Coca-Cola was originally green. 

——— ——— ——— —- 

It is impossible to lick  your elbow. 

——— ——— ——— —- 

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska 

——— ——— ——— —- 

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this…) 

——— ——— ——— —- 

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———  

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 

61,000 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.. 

(Just a minute … let me check.)

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer. 

— ———— ——— ——— ——— ———

In the 1400’s a law was set forth in  England  that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have ‘the rule of thumb’ 

——— ——— ——— —- 

The  San Francisco  Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades – King David

Hearts – Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great 

Diamonds – Julius Caesar 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

Only two people signed the Declaration of  Independence  on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
 

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? 

A. Their birthplace

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
 
Q. Most boat owners name their boats.

What is the most popular boat name requested? 

A. Obsession 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter ‘A’? 

A. One thousand 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? 

A. All were invented by women. 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil? 

A. Honey 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? 

A. Father’s Day 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. 

When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase…’Goodnight, sleep tight’ 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey wine and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old  England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’ 

It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’ 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.

When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice. 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———  

Don’t delete this just because it looks weird.

Believe it or not, you can read it. 

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae.. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? 

———– ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —— 

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2018 when… 

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years. 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three. 

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses. 

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee 

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 

12 You’re reading this and nodding and laughing. 

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list 

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ 

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. 

Go lick your elbow.

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And one final thought for the day. . .

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, ‘As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.’

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of
breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, ‘Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to do it again?’

He asks her ‘Shall we?’

She eagerly replies, ‘Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s
change positions. This time, I ‘ll hold the
pigeon down and you shit on its head.’

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

More than 7 months since our last Monotony Breaker — but boy has it been busy. Believe it or not — this “old guy” (of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” fame) is in the process of acquiring a radio station (along w/ my partner, Amanda Dagley) in Plattsburgh, NY — and as such, you can catch the “old guy” daily from 1-6 EST at www.wnbz.com.

It’s been a lot of work — and, of course, more expensive than we had projected — but things are coming together and look promising for the future.

In the meantime, I am committed to resuming these periodic Monotony Breakers — and trust that you will enjoy them as well. So let’s get right to it with a series of old photos that you will find “amazing” . . .  followed by a handful of entertaining “bits” .  Please enjoy  —  and of course check out www.wnbz.com for that “better variety of music that you love“. . .

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We see many old photos but this set is truly special . . .

  
Hans Christian Anderson


Winston Churchill, 1895

Mahatma Gandhi dancing

Sophia Loren

Albert Einstein

Paul Gaugin

Vincent van Gogh

John Wayne, 1930 (aged 23)

Elizabeth Taylor

Alfred Hitchcock, 1920’s

Paul Newman, served in the Pacific in WW2

Her Maj and Prince Phil – same brooch, same pearls, same love

Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow

Confederate general Robert E Lee

William, Diana, Harry

Edgar Allan Poe poses with Abraham Lincoln in Mathew Brady’s Washington , D.C. studio, 1849

Ernest Hemingway as an American Red Cross volunteer during World War I, 1918

Mark Twain, aged 15, 1850

Mother Teresa

What a find this photo was………..

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IDIOT SIGHTINGS  — are always good for a laugh  —  check these out. . .

I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said “May I have large bills, please”.  
She looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.”
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.

IDIOT SIGHTING  
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the
keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’ His reply: ‘I know, I already got that side.   ‘  
This was at the Honda dealership in Canton , MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, ‘NO, it’s not.’ Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.  

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.  

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’  
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’ our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING  
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us……and they VOTE and have babies.

For all of us who are seniors…
The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em and Hug’em
When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who’s in the will!

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SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READs:

We will heel you

We will save your sole

We will even dye for you.

 A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:

�Blind man driving.�

 

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:

“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.�

 

In a Podiatrist’s office:

“Time wounds all heels.�

 

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

 

At an Optometrist’s Office:

“If you don’t see what you’re looking for,

You’ve come to the right place.�

 

On a Plumber’s truck:

“We repair what your husband fixed.�

 

On another Plumber’s truck:

“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.�

 

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

“Invite us to your next blowout.�

 

On an Electrician’s truck:

“Let us remove your shorts.�

 

In a Non-smoking Area:

“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.�

 

On a Maternity Room door:

“Push. Push. Push.�

 

At a Car Dealership:

“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.�

 

Outside a Muffler Shop:

“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.�

 

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:

“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!�

 

At the Electric Company:

“We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.  However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.�

 

In a Restaurant window:

“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.�

 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.�

 

At a Propane Filling Station:

“Thank Heaven for little grills.�

 

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

“Best place in town to take a leak.�

 

And the best one for last�;

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

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And finally  —  some real life embarrassing Medical Exams that will have you in stitches. . .

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . . ‘

My wife ‘ s going to have her baby in the cab. ‘
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady ‘ s dress and began to help her undress.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs – – – and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco

2.. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient ‘ s anterior chest wall.

‘ Big breaths, ‘ . . .  I instructed.
‘ Yes, they used to be, ‘ . . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

3. 
   One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

   Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
   reporting to the rest of the family that he had
   died of a ‘ massive internal fart. ‘

   Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. 
   During a patient ‘ s two week follow-up
   appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
   me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
   One of his medications.
   ‘Which one? ‘ . .. . I asked. ‘ The patch…
   The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I ‘ m running out of places to put it! ‘
   I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn ‘ t see.
   Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

   Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

   Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
   Norfolk , VA

5. 
   While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
   I asked, ‘ How long have you been bedridden? ‘
   After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
   ‘ Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive. ‘

   Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
   Corvallis , OR

6. 
   I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ‘ So how ‘ s your breakfast this morning? ‘ ‘It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can ‘ t seem to get used to the taste.’ . Bob replied.
   I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
   A foil packet labeled ‘ KY Jelly. ‘

   Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
   Detroit ,

7. 
   A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
   when a young woman with purple hair styled
   into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting  a variety
   of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
   entered . . . It  was quickly determined that
   the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
   scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
   table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
   been dyed green and above it there was a
   tattoo that read . . . ‘ Keep off the grass. ‘

   Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
   wrote a short note on the patient ‘ s dressing,
   which said ‘ Sorry . . . had to  mow the lawn. ‘

   Submitted by RN no name,

   AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. 
   As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
   I was quite embarrassed when performing female
   pelvic exams… To cover my embarrassment
   I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

   The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
   and further embarrassing me.
   I looked up from my work and sheepishly said.  . .
   ‘ I ‘ m sorry. Was I tickling you? ‘
   She replied with tears running down
   her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

   ‘ No doctor  but the song you were whistling was . . .
   ‘ I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener . ‘

   Dr. wouldn ‘ t submit his name….

1 MORE

 

Baby ‘ s First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor ‘ s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby ‘ s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed, ‘ she replied..

‘ Well, strip down to your waist, ‘ the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,  ‘ No wonder this baby is underweight. You don ‘ t have any milk. ‘

I know, ‘ she said,  ‘ I ‘ m his Grandma,

But I ‘ m glad I came

 

“Oldies w/ the Old Guy” gets extra time at radio station WIRY this week as I’ll be filling in Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights from 5:00 till Midnight.  The “Eighties at Eight” will feature some great stuff from the 1st week of August  —  so check it out at wiry.com or 1340 AM and 100.7 FM and let me know what you think.

In the meantime, today’s MB begins with some quotes regarding Husbands and Wives attributed to some pretty famous people  —  and continues w/ some other stuff to entertain you.  Enjoy. . .

 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. King  David After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. Sasha Guitry By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous The great question, which I have not been able to answer.. is, “What does a woman want?” Dumas I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud ‘Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays’ Red Skelton ‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’ Sam Kinison ‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’ James Holt McGavra Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming. 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up. Patrick Murray The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once… Nash You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. Rodney Dangerfield A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’ Anonymous First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’ Second Guy : ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’ Anonymous

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An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

 

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

 

The female doctor says, “I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

 

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,’99’.

 

The old guy obeys and says,”99″.

 

The doctor says, “Great”,now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say ,’99”.

 

Again, the old guy   says,’99’.”

 

The doctor said, “Very good”.

 

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

 

I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

 

Now take a deep breath and say, ’99’.

 

 The old guy begins, “One,   two,     three….”

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A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.  “Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”

“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth?  They’re hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money.”

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?” His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes.”

After a few minutes the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”

She said, “Most of them become taxi drivers.”

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A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.  The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said,  “Come on, honey.  Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid.  Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Michigan ,
the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach
and play golf.

 

At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.

 

“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the
tight shorts, and the legs “

 

Ten years later at age 40 they play.

 

“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and
everybody has a little action on the games.”

 

Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf.

 

“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”

 

At age 60 they play a round of golf.

 

“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price.”

 

At age 70 they play a round of golf.

 

“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”

 

At age 80 they play a round of golf.

 

“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“We’ve never been there before.”

 

“Never regret growing older.
It is a privilege denied to many.”

One Hit Wonders???  You know  —  those songs that captured your fancy many years ago  —  and even today conjure up fond memories  —  will be the focus of Sunday’s “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” meets WIRY from noon till 6:00 PM Eastern  —  at 1340 AM, 100.7 FM and www.wiry.com on the World Wide Web.  I “guarantee” you’re going to like what you hear  —  so check it out if you can.

In the meantime  —  today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ some rather interesting tidbits  —  the accuracy, of which, I cannot vouch . . .

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Today’s Chuckles. . .

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SHORT, BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. 

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied, ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married’.

‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’ he exclaimed excitedly.

‘Good,’ she replied, ‘Then get your own blanket!’

After a moment of silence, he rolled over and farted.

The End.

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job
in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would
not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer,
“Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido,
“Where’s the money?”

Guido signs back,
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather,
“He says he doesn’t know
what you’re talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
puts it to Guido’s head and says,
“Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido,

“He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs,
“OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer,
“What did he say?”

The lawyer replies,
“He says f— you. You don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

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And finally  —  some interesting advice that just “might” make a difference  —  check it out. . .

1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you.  Wear nice shoes. 

2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there’s a 50% chance you’ll die within the next 3 years. 

3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There’s a 9% chance that you’ll meet one of them in your lifetime. 

4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger. 

5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their weight is 
determined by their mother. 

6. If a part of your body “falls asleep”, You can almost always “wake it up” by shaking your head. 

7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist 
noticing – food, attractive people and danger. 

8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side. 

9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor. 

10. According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years. 

11. There are so many kinds of apples, that if you ate a new one every day, it would take over 20 years to try them all. 

12. 12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11

    days without sleeping. 

    13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t. 

    14. Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking. 

    15. A human brain has a capacity to store 5 times as much information as Wikipedia. 

    16. Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb!! 

    17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 mins to boil 1.5 liters of water!! 

    18. The Ovum egg is the largest cell and the sperm is the smallest cell !! 

    19. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!! 

    20. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE.  It is the ultimate antidepressant. 

    21. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. 

    22. When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask guidance for your

    purpose, today. 

    23. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 

    24. Drink green tea and plenty of water.  Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds. 

    25. Try to make at least three people smile each day. 

    26. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. 

    27. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card. 

    28. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good. 

    29. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.  Forgive them for everything. 

    30. Don’t take yourself so seriously.  No one else does. 

    31. You don’t have to win every argument.  Agree to disagree. 

    32. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present. 

    33. Don’t compare your life to others.  You have no idea what their journey is all about. 

    34. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 

    35. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?’ 

    36. Help the needy, Be generous!  Be a ‘Giver’ not a ‘Taker’.

    37. What other people think of you is none of your business. 

    38. Time heals everything. 

    39. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 

    40. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick.  Your friends will.  Stay in touch. 

    41. Envy is a waste of time.  You already have all you need. 

    42. Each night before you go to bed, pray to God and be thankful for what you accomplished, today . 

    43. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed. 

If it’s Sunday, it means “Oldies w/ the Old Guy”  hits the airwaves at WIRY  —   Noon till 6:00 (Eastern)  —  at 1340 AM, 100.7 FM and WIRY.com.  Sunday’s show will feature some of the “Lost Hits” from the 3rd week of July  —  1967-1976.  It will include lots of songs that you don’t hear a lot on the radio  —  and I’m sure you’ll enjoy hearing these great songs again.  Join me if you can. . .

And today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ a “sad but true” reflection of today’s times.  Enjoy. . .

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I TOLD MY SON, “YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE.”

 HE SAID, “NO.”

 

I TOLD HIM, “SHE IS BILL GATES DAUGHTER.”
HE SAID, “YES.”

 

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, “I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON,
“BILL GATES SAID, “NO”

 

I TOLD BILL GATES, “MY SON IS THE C.E.O. OF THE WORLD BANK.”
BILL GATES SAID, “OK”

 

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE C.E.O.
HE SAID, “NO”

 

I TOLD HIM, “MY SON IS BILL GATES SON-IN-LAW”
HE SAID, “OK”

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS

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40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60’s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic

little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for

all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:

‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female …..

SEND THIS

TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH .

AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

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Toddler (n.)

Emotionally unstable pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you towards utter insanity before reverting to a lovable creature.

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And finally  —  just when you thought you couldn’t take any more news about medical care  —  along comes what very well might be the answer we’ve all been waiting for  —   the “Redneck Medical Dictionary”. . .

Redneck Medical Dictionary

Rednecks have the lowest stress rate

because they do not take medical terminology seriously.

You are going to die anyway, so live life like a Redneck!

Medical Term – Redneck Definition – 

Artery – The study of painting

Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria

Barium – What doctors do when patients die 

Benign – What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section – A neighborhood in Rome 

Cat scan – Searching for Kitty

Cauterize – Made eye contact with her

Colic – A sheep dog

Coma – A punctuation mark

Dilate – To live long

Enema – Not a friend

Fester – Quicker than someone else

Fibula – A small lie

Impotent – Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain – Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane

Morbid – A higher offer

Nitrates – Rates of Pay for Working at Night,

Normally more money than Days 

Node – I knew it

Outpatient – A person who has fainted

Pelvis – Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative – A letter carrier

Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery

Rectum – Nearly killed him

 

This week’s edition “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” at WIRY is a tribute to the beauties of “Water”  —  in all its forms (and of course the songs that represent this “beauty.”)  For, despite WC Fields’ famous quote “Water  —  never touch the stuff.  Fish “make love” in it you know “(or something close to that???)  —  there are lots of great songs in which water plays an important part.  Join me if you can Sunday noon till 6:00 eastern time at www.wiry.com (or 100.7 locally).

In the meantime  —  on with today’s Monotony Breaker which addresses one of the more “frosty” versions of water  —  Enjoy. . .

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Today’s Monotony Breaker will trigger wonderful memories for some  —  and raise “interesting discussion topics” for those too young to have personally experienced the 50’s.

And on a related note  —  today’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” on WIRY (noon till 6:00 Eastern) (1340 AM, 100.7 FM and www.wiry.com on the internet) will feature songs about Radio and Disc Jockeys  —  obviously one of my favorite topics.  Join me if you can for a closer look at this wonderful medium called “radio.”

 

You know you’re getting old when you remember:

Girls wearing  Gym Uniforms?

Took three minutes for the Television to start

Nobody owned a purebred Dog

When a Quarter was a decent allowance

You’d reach into a gutter for a penny

Women wore nylons  in two pieces

Your Windshield got cleaned, Oil checked, and Gas 
pumped, without asking, all for free, every time! 

Never paid for Air as well as Trading Stamps

Laundry Detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels 
hidden inside the box

 A great privilege to be taken out to 
dinner at a Restaurant with your Parents

Schools kept ‘failed’ Students back a grade!

A 57 Chevy was a Dream Car 

Car keys were always in the ignition,

and the doors were never locked

Lying on your back relaxing in the Grass with your

 Friends picturing Sky and Cloud shapes

Playing Baseball  showing  Kids the 
Rules of the Game without Adults

Stuff from Stores came without ‘safety’ caps and ‘hermetic’ seals

because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect Stranger

With all Modern Progress, would you just once wish,
you could slip Back in Time for the Slower pace, 
and share it with the Children Today.

Basically we survived because Parents, Grand Parents love was greatest!

As well as Summers filled with Bike rides,

Hula Hoops, Visits to swimming in the Ocean 

Didn’t that feel good, just to go back and say, 
“Yeah, I remember that”

Remember that the perfect age is somewhere

between Old enough to know better and too Young to care.

Remember Howdy Doody, The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger,   Roy and Dale, Trigger, Buttermilk, etc. etc.

Candy Cigarettes

Wax Coke-shaped Bottles

Soda Pop Machines that dispensed Glass Bottles. 
Coffee Shops with Table Side Jukeboxes. 
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry Chewing Gum.

Home Milk delivery in Glass bottles with Cardboard Stoppers.

News Reels before the Movie

Telephone #  with a word prefix / Party Lines.

Peashooters

Hi-Fi’s& 45 RPM Records.

78 RPM Records!

Green Stamps

Mimeograph Paper

The Fort Apache Play Set.

Do You Remember a Time When…

Decisions were made by going ‘Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe’

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, ‘Do Over!’ 

Race issue’ meant  who ran the fastest?

Catching Fireflies Could Happily Occupy An Entire Evening

It wasn’t odd to have  lots of ‘Best Friends’

Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a Slingshot.

Saturday Morning Cartoons were not 30-minute Commercials for Action Figures

Spinning around, getting Dizzy, Falling down was cause for Giggles

The Worst Embarrassment was being picked last for a Team

Baseball Cards in the spokes transformed any Bike into a Motorcycle

Taking Drugs meant orange – flavored chewable Aspirin

Water Balloons were the ultimate Weapon

If you can remember most or all of these.

 Then You Have Lived!!

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A Woman’s Place

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, “Land mines.”

 Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

 BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE’S A SMART WOMAN

Sundays at WIRY (noon till 6:00 eastern time) at www.wiry.com are a continuation of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” and Today’s show will be good.  We’ll be taking a look at the 25th of June  —  and some key things that happened on that date.  Join me if you can.

In the meantime, today’s Monotony Breaker starts w/ some great nostalgia for we baby boomers  —  and continues w/ some other tidbits of interest.  Enjoy. . .

21 Pictures Only Baby Boomers Will Understand

#1:  Cars Were Colorful!  Most cars these days look fairly bland, but in the 50’s, our cars were big, bright, and fun!

 

#2.  We Got Dressed Up for Birthday Parties.  And sometimes there was even a pony there!

#3:  We Played in the Streets:  We didn’t have to text our friends back in the day – we’d all just come outside and get to playing!

 

#4:  Gas Was Very Cheap:  On some days, it was only $0.20 a gallon, and beyond that, the people at the station pumped your gas, washed your window, checked your oil and could also fix just about anything!

 

#5:  Ben Franklin 5-10 Was Everything:  We loved going to these stores.  They had just about anything and everything you could think of.

 

#6:  If it Wasn’t the Ben Franklin, it Was the A&P!

 

#7: Our Skates Got “Locked” with a Key.  They were also made almost entirely of metal and very hard to skate on!

 

#8:  The Drive-In Was The Place to Be:  This 1950’s photo from South Bend, Indiana shows how popular they were!  It got hot in some of those cars.

 

#9:  Car Seats Were More Like Couches:  That’s right – they were big, long, and you could slide all the way across!

 

#10:  The Freezer Actually Had to be DEFROSTED!:  That’s right, every now and then you’d have to manually defrost the freezer – sometimes took all day with a lot of scraping!.

 

#11:  Grandma Let Us Do Everything.  Well, maybe that hasn’t changed so much, but we LOVED licking off the beaters!

 

#12:  Sometimes Your Food Came On Roller Skates!  That’s right – certain restaurants had “roller girls” who would zoom your food out to you and hang it on your window!

 

#13:  We got DOWN at the Sock Hop!  And we dressed up!

 

#14:  Sunday Drives Were A Thing:  That’s right – on Sunday, many of us would load up the family car and just go cruising over to the neighbors or just around town!

#15:  There Was One TV.  And, surprise, we didn’t argue all night about who should get to watch their favorite show.  Most of the time, we all liked the same shows!

 

#16:  The Playgrounds were VERY Different:  At recess, we’d swing from the monkey bars with wild abandon and often stand on the swings and go as high as possible.  And still, we survived!

 

#17:  TV Had “Sign Off” Messages.  Remember these?  TV would go off at midnight and sometimes even go as far as playing the National Anthem all night.

#18: Just One Hula Hoop Wasn’t Enough:  Some of us could do multiple hoops at a time!

 

#19:  We didn’t Text, But We Did Pass Notes!  And we were experts at not getting caught!

 

#20:  We Had Xylophones That We Kept on a Pull String.  That’s right – there was nothing like the Pull a Tune!

 

#21:  We Got Bottled Cokes and Loved Them:    That’s right – no cans or plastic bottles back then.  We were 100% excited when we’d find a cooler like this to get that ice cold bottle!

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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains at North Carolina University in the Smokies. They would often get together to talk shop. One day, someone said that preaching to people isn’t all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. They agreed to go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

 

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

 

Father Flannery, had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.   

“Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. When I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. “That bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. “The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

 

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

 

“So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!”

 

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

 

The Rabbi looked up and said: 

“Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

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and finally. . .

Priest’s Retirement  

You don’t need to be Catholic and go to Confession to appreciate this story. Make sure you “Live by the last line!!!” 

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
 
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
 
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.  He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a STD to his sister-in-law.  I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.  But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
 
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
 
I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.
 

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late