You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
You can retire to California where…
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.
You can retire to New York City where…
1 You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression
You can retire to Wisconsin where…
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is “He is different,” “She is different,” or “It was different!”
7. A five foot blonde who weighs 180 lbs is considered anorexic.
You can retire to The Deep South where…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end!
You can move to Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where…(this could apply to Wisconsin also)
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; “Where’s my coat at?”
FINALLY you can retire to Florida where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs,
Here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930’s and ’40’s.
Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads,
Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers’ fields.
They were small red signs with white letters.
Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each contain 1 line of a 4 line couplet…..
And the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
DON’T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
TRAINS DON’T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
‘CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER’S LAP
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
DROVE TOO LONG
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET’S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
AROUND THE CURVE
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN’
HE’S JUST HOPIN’
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT’S HARD TO PLAY
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT’S THE SKILLFUL
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
HE SAW THE TRAIN
AND TRIED TO DUCK IT
HE KICKED THE GAS
AND THEN THE BUCKET !!
A MAN A MISS,
A CAR A CURVE,
HE KISSED THE MISS,
AND MISSED THE CURVE,
Do these bring back any old memories ?
If not, you’re merely young!!!
If they do – then you’re old as dirt. LIKE ME!
Have a great day!
When I die, bury me on the golf course, so my husband will visit.
I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced.
I’ve spent most of my life golfing. The rest I’ve just wasted.
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!!!)
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Don’t play too much golf…Two rounds a day are plenty.
Golf is a game in which one endeavours to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
A golfer’s diet: live on greens as much as possible.
Gone golfin’ … be back about dark thirty.
Born to golf. Forced to work.
My body is here, but my mind has already teed off .
May thy ball lie in green pastures … and not in still waters.
If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle.
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of bagpipes.
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.”
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior
I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
A two-foot putt.. Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?