Today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ some reissued songs from the 60’s to reflect
the fact that we baby boomers have aged a bit — and continues with more of the types of entertaining bits to which you’ve become accustomed.
By the way, if you’re anywhere near your computer or smart phone today between 10:00 and 4:00 Eastern time — you can catch my last radio stint of the year at 101THEONE.com (or 101.7 for those who live in Vermont or Northern NY). Needless to say I think it’s a great station w/ a musical format that’s a bit different from anything else you will hear on radio — and, with any luck, I’ll be able to return (at least on a fill-in basis) when we return to Northern NY next Spring. In the meantime — enjoy today’s Monotony Breaker — and most importantly remember that TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN — YET THE YOUNGEST YOU’LL EVER BE — SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS. (AND DON’T FORGET TONIGHT’S Lunar Eclipse/SuperMoon combination around 10:00 Eastern. This combination hasn’t happened since 1982 — and won’t happen again till 2033)
1960 Hits Renamed
Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits with
new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the “Limbo” as if it were yesterday.
They include:
Bobby Darin —
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ A Flash
Herman’s Hermits —
Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr —
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees —
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
Roberta Flack—
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
?
Johnny Nash —
I Can’t See Clearly Now
Paul Simon—
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
The Commodores —
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
Procol Harem—
A Whiter Shade Of Hair
Leo Sayer —
You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations —
Papa’s Got A Kidney Stone
Abba—
Denture Queen
Tony Orlando —
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy —
I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore—
It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To
And Last , but
NOT least:
Willie Nelson —
On the Commode Again
Every day may not be good. . .
But there’s something good in every day.
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And God Looked Down…
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s Gods will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
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“The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.”~Albert Einstein
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| An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. |
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and says,
‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.
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And finally. . .
The Lemon Squeezer
At a bar in New York City the bartender was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.
Over the years, many people had tried — weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.
One day, a scrawny little fellow came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a glass of beer, and started
looking around the bar.
After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: “I was just reading your sign, and I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said,”OK.”
He grabbed a lemon and squeezed all the juice he could out of it. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.
The crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon … and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1,000, and then said, “Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a lumber jack, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little fellow quietly replied, “I work for Internal Revenue Service.”