Mini-Monotony Breaker – 10/20/2015

And a quick note to let you know that this morning’s edition of “Oldies with the Old Guy” is now available at Mixcloud by clicking on the attached link.

 https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-10-20-15-101the-one-part-one/

As a bit of a preview, you will hear some of the best of 101theONE  —  the great radio station for which I did weekends and occasional fill-ins this past Summer in the Green Mountain State of Vermont.  101theONE

 Is a great station that accentuates songs of the 70’s and 80’s  —  with a healthy sprinkling of music from the 60’s and 90’s as well.  And it does this by playing many of the songs that you simply don’t hear on other stations.  In other words  —  “a better variety of songs”.

Check it out and let me know what you think. . .

 

 

 

 

 


 


 


 

 


 

 

Monotony Breaker – 10/20/2015

Today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ a repeat of the 5-Minute Management Course  —  a quick and effective look at some work-related principals that really do make sense. 

And if you are in the mood for “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” (that weekly radio show in which I get to share some of the greatest music in the world  —  and occasional bits of information that you may find “entertaining”).  Check it out at www.titaninternetradio.org  (or if that, for some reason doesn’t connect try )  http://tunein.com/radio/Titan-Internet-Radio-s2638/   or you can always find us at the “ifullerton” app on your smartphone.  It all happens a little more than an hour from right now at 8:00 am (Pacific) and 11:00 am (Eastern) and should you be able to stop by  —  I guarantee you are going to hear some great songs today. . .

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5-Minute Management Course’s

Lesson 1: 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel..’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

Lesson 2: 

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

Lesson 3:  

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
  ‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’  Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’ 

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

 

Lesson 4:  

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’  The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

Lesson 5:  

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’

‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

Lesson 6: 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate..

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend..

(3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

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Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:

 1.  Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

 2.  Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

 3.  There are two theories to arguing with a woman, … Neither works.

 4.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 5.  Always drink upstream from the herd.

 6.  If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

 7.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it  and put it back into your pocket.

 8. There are three kinds of men:
     The ones that learn by reading.
     The few who learn by observation.
     The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

 9.  Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

 10.  If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

 11.  Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.

 12.  After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came
along and shot him.

      The moral:  When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

 

ABOUT GROWING OLDER… 

       First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

       Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

       Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.

               Not me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.

       Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

       Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

       Sixth ~ I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

       Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.

       Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

       Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.

       Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, t was called witchcraft. Today it’s called
golf.

       And, finally ~ If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old.

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And finally  —  you, like me, may think that CA drivers leave a lot to be desired (especially on the most crowded highways in the entire country).  However  —
a quick look at the link below proves beyond a doubt that CA drivers are still far superior to those in Russia.  A bit scary to say the least. . .

(WARNING – GRAPHIC CAR ACCIDENTS – NOT KIDDING)

Monotony Breaker – 9/27/2015

Today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ some reissued songs from the 60’s to reflect
the fact that we baby boomers have aged a bit  —  and continues with more of the types of entertaining bits to which you’ve become accustomed.

By the way, if you’re anywhere near your computer or smart phone today between 10:00 and 4:00 Eastern time  —  you can catch my last radio stint of the year at 101THEONE.com (or 101.7 for those who live in Vermont or Northern NY).  Needless to say I think it’s a great station w/ a musical format that’s a bit different from anything else you will hear on radio  —  and, with any luck, I’ll be able to return (at least on a fill-in basis) when we return to Northern NY next Spring.  In the meantime  —  enjoy today’s Monotony Breaker  —  and most importantly remember that TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN  —  YET THE YOUNGEST YOU’LL EVER BE  —  SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.  (AND DON’T FORGET TONIGHT’S Lunar Eclipse/SuperMoon combination around 10:00 Eastern.  This combination hasn’t happened since 1982  —  and won’t happen again till 2033)

1960 Hits Renamed
Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits   with
new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the “Limbo” as if it were yesterday.

They include:  

Bobby Darin — 
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ A Flash

Herman’s Hermits — 
Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr —   
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees —   
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack—   
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
? 

Johnny Nash —  
I Can’t See Clearly Now  

Paul Simon—
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores — 
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem—   
A Whiter Shade Of Hair 

Leo Sayer —   
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations —   
Papa’s Got A Kidney Stone

Abba— 
Denture Queen  

Tony Orlando —   
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy —   
I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore  

Leslie Gore— 
It’s My Procedure,   and I’ll Cry If I Want To

And Last , but
NOT least:  

Willie Nelson — 
On the Commode Again 

Every day may not be good. . .   
But there’s something good in every day.    

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And God Looked Down…

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good. 

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good. 

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s Gods will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can’t tell them  apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the  Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.”~Albert Einstein

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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.


In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and says,

 ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.

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And finally. . .

The Lemon Squeezer


At a bar in New York City the bartender was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1,000 bet.     

    The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.

    Over the years, many people had tried — weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

    One day, a scrawny little fellow came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a glass of beer, and started
looking around the bar.

    After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: “I was just reading your sign, and I’d like to try the bet.”

    After the laughter had died down, the bartender said,”OK.”

    He grabbed a lemon and squeezed all the juice he could out of it. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

    The crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon … and six drops fell into the glass.

    As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1,000, and then said, “Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a lumber jack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

    The little fellow quietly replied, “I work for Internal Revenue Service.”