Oldies Mini-Monotony Breaker

It’s often said that “there’s a story in every song”  —  and as true as that may be  —  it goes w/o saying that SOME songs are truly STORY Songs  —  and those beginning w/ the letters C thru H are featured in today’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy.”  Check it out at https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-03-21-17-story-songs-c-thru-h/  and, of course, remember that you can access ANY of the 70+ “Oldies” shows by going to www.mixcloud.com and typing “Bill Dickerson” in the Search box.  

In the meantime  —  today’s Mini-Monotony Breaker begins w/ some interesting observations on Technology and the aging process.  Enjoy. . .

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And finally. . . I just discovered my age group!

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.

I don’t have to go to school or work

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don’t have a curfew.

I have a driver’s license and my own car.

I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store.

I like the wine store best.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. They aren’t scared of anything. They have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?

And I don’t have acne.

Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.  People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains.

Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.  It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.

So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too.

“Spring” Monotony Breaker

This week’s Monotony Breaker begins with some “fascinating photos”  —  most of which, I guarantee you have never seen  —  but yet, will find of interest  —  and of course continues w/ some other “entertaining bits.”

Also, this week’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” features a continuation of “Story Songs”  —  C thru H.  check it out at www.titanradio.org at 8:00 am Tuesday (Pacific) or 11:00 am (Eastern) or the “ifullerton” app on your smartphone.

And don’t forget  —  past “Monotony Breakers” are always available at www.monotonybreaker.com  Feel free to share w/ friends and encourage them to sign up for their own copy of the Newsletter. . .

And Now  —  on to today’s Monotony Breaker  —  “rarely seen photos in USA’s history”. . .

 

Burnt District Coffee House in Chicago after the Fire, 1871. Chicago entrepreneurs quickly reacted to establish or reestablish businesses in the fire district.

Hanging of a stagecoach robber in Texas, c. 1890-1900

Landscape

Wood-plank prison in Wyoming, 1893

Chinatown Squad of the San Francisco Police Department posing with sledge hammers and axes in front of August Pistolesiâ’s grocery store at 752 Washington Street, 1895. They were specialized in opium dens and gambling rooms and their method was simple.

Alice Huyler Ramsey (November 11, 1886 – September 10, 1983), the first woman to drive across the United States from coast to coast, 1909. Only 152 miles out of the total 3600-mile trip were made on paved road. 

North American native Chilocco Indian Agricultural School basketball team in 1909.

Originally, the swastika is a sign of good fortune. 

A horse-drawn fire engine of Engine No. 39 leaving Fire Headquarters at 157 East 67th Street for the last time after being replaced with a motorized fire engine, New York City, February 19, 1912. 


Motorcycle chariots, 1920s

Log motor home by Wade, 1922 

Log motor home by Wade, interior

Three friends take a joyride on their new vehicle, Ohio, c. 1924


North American native switchboard operator, 1925


Workers lay bricks to pave 28th Street in Manhattan, 1930

Drive-In restaurant on West Sunset Boulevard, Los Angeles,1932 

A life guard and a doctor attempt to save a swimmers life on Coney Island Beach, 1940.

The woman in the center chose the worst moment for a smile.

Coney Island, NY, 1940 

Victure Mature, Marilyn Monroe and Queen Elizabeth (both 30 at the time) meet at a movie premier in London. October 1956

Elvis Presley joins the Army, 1958

Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev eating a hot dog in Des Moines, Iowa, on which he commented it’s excellent. We make good sausages but yours are better, 1959 

Couple and friend being abused in a restaurant for the latter being black, USA, 1963 

Arnold Schwarzenegger on his first time in New York, 1968 

New York City sidewalks filled with trash during the 1968 strike of sanitation workers. 


US President Richard Nixon jumps down from the trunk of a limousine which carried him and Pakistani President Yahya Khan (left, background) in a motorcade to Government House after Nixon’s arrival in Lahore on August 1, 1969

Children play a game on the Xerox Alto, one of the first personal computers with a graphic user interface, 1973. Its monitor was switchable between portrait and landscape mode.

President Carter with engineers and solar panels newly installed on the White House, 1979.

President Reagan had them removed in 1986, to be reinstalled by President Obama in 2010 

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GOOD INVESTMENT ADVICE…….

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.

Her husband readily agreed.


This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

 


Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.


During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
Bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when
To keep their mouths shut!!

Women are like phones: 

They like to be held, talked to, and touched often 
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

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Power Outage

I had a power outage at my house this morning.

My PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPad and new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was dead.

To top it off, it was raining so I couldn’t go for a walk, bike, or run.

The garage door opener needed electricity so I couldn’t go anywhere in the car.

I went to the kitchen to make coffee and then remembered this also needed power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

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And finally  —  some of the wisdom often derived when one combines some hops, some barley, a little malt  —  and some cool Mountain Spring Water. . .

“Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, “It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
Babe Ruth


“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
Lyndon B. Johnson


“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
Paul Horning


“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”
H. L. Mencken

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”
George Bernard Shaw

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
Benjamin Franklin

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
Dave Barry

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields

Remember “I” before “E,” except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey

To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers (TV Sitcom), Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:

“Well, ya see, Norm, it’s like this…

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

 

 

 

 

“Pi” Mini Monotony Breaker

Today’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” has been uploaded to Mixcloud and is available by clicking below:

Oldies with the Old Guy — 03-14-17 (Story Songs A thru C)

Check it out and let me know what you think.  In the meantime, enjoy today’s Mini MB. . .

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A second grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day, she asked Jimmy what his problem was. He replied, “I’m too smart for the second grade, my sister is in the fourth grade, and I’m smarter than her too.”

The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Jimmy a test. If he failed to answer one question, then he would have to go back to the second grade and be quiet. The teacher and Jimmy both agreed.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Jimmy: “9.”

Principal: “6 x 6?”

Jimmy: “36.”

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a fourth grader should know. Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher “I see no reason why Jimmy can’t go to the fourth grade, he answered all of my questions right.”

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Jimmy agree.

Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?”

Jimmy: “Legs”

Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?”

The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answerin gJimmy says, “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Jimmy: “Pants.”

Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”

Jimmy: “Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Jimmy in the fourth grade. I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.”

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The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate,

private, OFF LIMITS area on all aircraft carriers…

 

Addressing all ship personnel at Pearl Harbor, the Admiral advised, “The female

sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking

this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

 

He continued, ” Anybody caught breaking this rule the second

time will be fined $50.

 

Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $100. Are there

any questions?”

 

At this point, a seasoned old Master Chief from the engine room stood
up and inquired:

 

“How much for a season pass???”

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And Finally. . .

“Hole-In-One” Monotony Breaker

As you may or may not have heard, Maura got a “hole-in-one” today  —  something that a relatively small percentage of golfers ever achieve  —  hence the theme for several of the items in today’s MB.

And lots of good comments on last week’s “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” Show  —  in case you didn’t get a chance to listen  —  check it out at https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-03-07-17-mystery-artists/

And a reminder that tomorrow’s regular weekly show will air at 8:00 am Pacific (11:00 am Eastern) and will feature “Story Songs.”  Check it out at www.titanradio.org

In the meantime, today’s Monotony Breaker. . .

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First Grade Drawing – PRICELESS!

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.


The teacher graded it and the child took it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

 

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child’s homework illustration. 
It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money. 
I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. 
This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Harrington


MORAL OF THE STORY IS: “Don’t draw conclusions without knowing all the information!”

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The Dangers of Golf

 

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

 

A  very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay?”

 

“I’m okay thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

 

She said, “Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”  I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

 

“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

 

“Oh, come on now ” she insisted.

 

She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.

 

I was weak.. “Well okay,” I finally agreed.

 

After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”

 

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

 

I replied, “Still under the cart, I guess”…..

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‘How sweet, he’s smiling. He must be dreaming about me.’

‘Man, that is really devious of her. Making club covers of her and the kids to guilt trip you every time you golf.’

During the life boat drill, a man has used his wife’s life jacket for his golf clubs.

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And this “final” item  —  truly “great”  —  but not the type of “entertainment” we normally associate w/ Monotony Breakers. Kinda nice to see  . . .

On Monday, I played the Disney, Lake Buena 
Vista course. As usual the starters matched me with three 
other players. After a few holes we began to get to know each 
other a bit.One fellow was rather young and had 
his wife riding along in the golf cart with him. I noticed 
that his golf bag had his name on it and after closer 
inspection it also said “wounded war veterans.” When I had my first chance to chat 
with him I asked him about the bag. His response was simply 
that it was a gift. I then asked if he was wounded and he said 
yes. When I asked more about his injury, his response was

“I’d rather not talk about it, sir”.  

Over a few holes I learned that he 
had spent the last 15 months in an army rehabilitation 
hospital in San Antonio , Texas . His wife moved there to be 
with him and he was released from the hospital in 
September. He was a rather quiet fellow; however, 
he did say that he wanted to get good at golf.

We had a nice round and as we became a 
bit more familiar I asked him about the brand new set of Ping 
woods and irons he was playing. Some looked like they had 
never been hit. His response was simple.

He said that this round was the first 
full round he had played with these clubs. Later in the round 
he told me the following.

As part of the discharge process from the rehabilitation 
hospital, Ping comes in and provides three days of 
golf instruction, followed by club fitting.

Upon discharge from the hospital, Ping gives each of the discharged veterans, 
generally about 40 soldiers, a brand new set of custom fitted 
clubs along with the impressive golf bags.  

The fellow I met was named Ben 
Woods and he looked me in the eye and said that being fitted 
for those clubs was one of the best things that ever happened 
to him and he was determined to learn to play golf 
well enough to deserve the gift Ping had given him.

Ben is now out of the service 
medically discharged just a month ago. He is as fine a young 
man as you would ever want to meet.  

Ping , whose products are made with pride 
here in America ( Arizona ), has the good judgment not to 
advertise this program.
  
Thank you Ping   —  May more Corporations learn from your fine example. . .

 

 

 

Mystery Artists Mini Monotony Breaker

Today’s “Oldies w/ the Old Guys” (Mystery Artists) has been uploaded to mixcloud  https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-03-07-17-mystery-artists/   and is available for your listening pleasure.   Trust me when I suggest that it is enlightening as to who was really singing and playing on a lot of those great hits of the 60’s and 70’s.  And don’t forget, whenever you’re in the mood for “oldies”  —  go to www.mixcloud.com and enter “billdickerson” (no space between “bill” and “dickerson”) in the search box.  You’ll be able to choose from  nearly 70 shows.

In the meantime  —  on with today’s Mini-Monotony Breaker.  Having just turned the big “70”  —  this first one hits pretty close to home. . .

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Non Sequitur

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And finally  —  truisms  (sort of. . .)

 

 

 

 Questionable Record Labels

Can you imagine??? A record label that failed to disclose who was actually singing on the record??? It happened — and all too often  —  and the result is a fascinating combination of great songs — but, unfortunately, the label never really told you who was singing??? Check it out Tuesday morning  on
“Oldies with the Old Guy” at www.titanradio.org at 8:00 am, Pacific (11:00 am Eastern).

In the meantime — enjoy a “fascinating” Monotony Breaker that actually foretells a very realistic future . . .

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Golfing in Heaven

 

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.

 

Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.

 

St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions
them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks during your first three months here.

 

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks?

“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are thousands of ducks walking around the
course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band It really breaks the tranquility, and if you hit one of the ducks, you’ll be punished,Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.”

 

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

 

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit
the duck?” The guy who had done it admitted, “I did.” St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for
eternity.”

 

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.

He cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

 

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even play for fear

of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn’t hit a duck.

St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman – the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

 

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let
out a contented sigh and said aloud, “I wonder what I did to deserve this?

 

The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”

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And a few thoughts from the “guy’s perspective”. . .

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And to wrap up today’s Monotony Breaker  —  something to make you “think”.  If you have any doubt as to what we have to look forward to in the next few years  —  do as I did and google “3d printing.” (one of the items referenced in the following).  I was “shocked”  —  and I suspect you may be as well so I would encourage you to check it out. . .

The FUTURE is  approaching  faster  than one can handle!

In 1998, Kodak had  170,000 employees and sold  85% of all photo paper  worldwide.            

Within just a few years,  their business model disappeared and they went  bankrupt.


What  happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next  10years and, most people  won’t see it coming. Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later you would never  take pictures on film again?

                               

Yet digital cameras were  invented in 1975.  The first ones only had  10,000pixels, but followed Moore’s law.  So as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a time, before it became way superior and became mainstream in only a few short years.  It will now happen  again with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and  electric cars, education, 3Dprinting, agriculture and  jobs.   Welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution.  Welcome to the Exponential  Age .       

Software will disrupt most  traditional industries in the next 5-10 years.

Uber is just a software tool,  they don’t own any cars, and are now the biggest  taxi company in the  world.

Airbnb is now the biggest hotel  company in the world, although they don’t own any  properties.

Artificial  Intelligence:  Computers become exponentially better in understanding the world .  This year, a computer beat the best Go-player in the world,  10 years  earlier than expected.

In the US , young   lawyers already don’t get jobs.   Because of IBM’s Watson, you can get legal advice  (so far for more or less basic stuff) within seconds, with  90% accuracy compared with  70% accuracy when done by  humans.

So if you study law, stop  immediately.  There will be 90% less lawyers in the  future, only specialists will  remain.

Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer,  its 4 times more accurate than  human nurses.

Facebook now has a  pattern recognition software that can recognize faces  better than humans.  In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans. (NEVER!/Albert)

Autonomous  cars  : In  2018 the first self driving cars  will appear for the public. Around 2020, the complete industry will  start to be disrupted. You don’t want to own a car  anymore.  You will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your  location and drive you to your destination. You will not need to  park it, you only pay for the driven distance and can be  productive while driving.

Our kids will never get a  driver’s licence and will never own a car.

It will change the cities,  because we will need 90-95% less cars for that.  We can transform former parking spaces into parks.

1.2 million people die each  year in car accidents worldwide.  We now have one accident every 60,000  miles  (100,000 km), with autonomous driving that will drop to 1 accident in  6million miles  (10 million km). That will save  a million lives each  year.

Most car companies will  probably become bankrupt.  Traditional car companies  try the evolutionary approach and just build a better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple,  Google)  will do the revolutionary approach and build a computer on  wheels.

Many engineers from  Volkswagen and Audi; are completely terrified of  Tesla.

Insurance  companies will have massive trouble  because without accidents, the insurance will become  100x cheaper.   Their car insurance business model will disappear.

Real  estate  will change.  Because if you can work while you commute, people  will move further away to live in a more beautiful neighbourhood.

Electric cars will become  mainstream about 2020.  Cities will be less noisy  because all new cars will run on electricity.

Electricity will become  incredibly cheap and clean:  Solar production has been  on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can now see the burgeoning impact.

Last year, more solar energy  was installed worldwide than fossil.  Energy companies  are desperately trying to limit  access to the grid to prevent competition from home solar  installations, but that can’t last.  Technology will take care of  that strategy.

With cheap electricity comes  cheap and abundant water. Desalination   of salt  water now only needs 2kWh per cubic meter (@  0.25 cents). We don’t have  scarce water in most places, we only have scarce drinking water.   Imagine what will be possible if anyone can have as much clean water as he wants, for nearly no cost.

Health: The  Tricorder  X price  will be announced this year.  There are companies who will build a  medical device (called the “Tricorder” from Star Trek) that works  with your phone, which takes your retina scan, your blood sample  and you breath into it.

It then analyses  54 bio-markers that will identify nearly  any disease..  It will be cheap, so in a  few years everyone on this planet will have access to world class  medical analysis, nearly for free Goodbye, medical  establishment.

3D printing: The price of the cheapest 3D printer came down from  $18,000to $400 within 10 years. In the same time, it  became 100 times faster. All major  shoe companies have already started 3D printing  shoes.

Some spare airplane parts  are already 3D printed in remote airports.  The space station now has a printer that eliminates the  need for the large amount of spare parts they used to have in the past.

At the end of this year, new  smart phones will have 3D scanning possibilities.   You can then 3D scan your feet and print  your perfect shoe at home.

In China, they already  3D printed and built a  complete 6-storey office building.  By  2027, 10% of everything that’s being   produced will be 3D printed.

Business  opportunities: If you think of a niche  you want to go in, first ask yourself: “In the future, do I think we will have that?” and if the answer is yes, how can you make that happen sooner?

If it doesn’t work with your phone, forget the idea.  And any idea designed for success in the 20th century is doomed to failure in the 21st century.

Work : 70-80% of jobs will disappear in  the next 20 years. There will be a lot  of new jobs, but it is not clear if there will be enough new jobs in such a short time.  This will require a rethink on wealth distribution.               

Agriculture : There will be a  $100 agricultural robot in the future.  Farmers in 3rd world countries can then  become managers of their field instead of working all day on their  fields.

Aeroponics will need much less water.  The first Petri dish produced veal, is now available and will be  cheaper than cow produced veal in 2018. Right now,  30% of all agricultural  surfaces is used for cows.  Imagine if we don’t need that space  anymore.

There are several start-ups  who will bring insect protein to the market shortly.  It contains  more protein than meat. It will be labelled as “alternative protein source”  (because most people still reject the idea of eating  insects).

There is an app called  “moodies” which can already tell in  which mood you’re in.  By   2020 there will be apps that can  tell by your facial expressions if you are lying.  Imagine a  political debate where it’s being displayed when  they’re telling the truth and  when they’re not.

Mardi Gras Monotony Breaker

Today is “Fat Tuesday” (that’s the English Translation for Mardi Gras)  —  and refers to the final day before the start of Lent which is celebrated around the world.  In the US, New Orleans hosts the largest celebration  —  so today’s “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” features this lovely city  —  and the music with which it is associated  —  the “true birthplace of rock & roll.”  Check it out by clicking here   https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-02-28-17-new-orleans/  (and remember, you can access any of the 60+ “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” shows by merely typing “billdickerson” (no space) in the search box at the top).

In the meantime  Today’s MB begins w/ wisdom from the Senior perspective. . .

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HELLO, OPERATOR 

ANOTHER CHAPTER OF “THEY WALK AMONG US AND REPRODUCE!!”  

Customer:     ‘I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through; 
                   can you help?’
Operator:      ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’
Customer:     ‘It’s on the door of your business.’
Operator:     ‘Sir, those are the hours that we are open.’

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Samsung Electronics

Caller:          ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’
Operator:     ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’
Caller:          ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and  telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’
Operator:      ‘I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.’
 

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RAC Motoring Services

Caller:         ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am 
                  traveling in Australia ?’
Operator:     ‘Does the policy name give you a clue?’
 

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
‘If I register my car in France , and then take it to England,
do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’
 

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Directory Enquiries

Caller:  ‘I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?’
Caller: ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off.’ 
 

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        ‘Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller:             ‘Yes.. That’s what it says on the label — Woven in Scotland ….’
 

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: ‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on.’

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Tech Support:      ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.’
Customer:             ‘OK.’
Tech Support:      ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’
Customer:             ‘No.’
Tech Support:      ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer:             ‘No.’
Tech Support:      ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’
Customer:            ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.’ 
 

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Tech Support:      ‘OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’
Customer:             ‘Wow! How can you see my screen from there?’

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Caller:  ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.
So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?’

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GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL  MEANS


Golf  can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by  the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. 
                                                           
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go  up. You swing left and the ball goes  right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the  winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than  baseball. In Golf, you have to play your  foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing  Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a  hurricane, here’s a valuable tip …your life is in  trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything  perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

A  ‘gimme‘ can best be defined as an agreement between  two golfers …neither of whom can putt very well.

An  interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how  badly you play, it is always possible to get worse. 

Golf‘s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank  it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at  all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice  swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game. 

Golf is the only sport where the most feared  opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage, If you  take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are  expensive. 

The best wood in most amateurs’ bags  is the pencil.

                                                                                   

David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons  Why Golf Is  Better Than Sex…

#10… A below par performance is considered  damn good.
#09… You can stop in the middle and  have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08…  It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07…  Foursomes are encouraged.
#06… You can still make  money doing it as a senior.
#05… Three times a  day is possible.
#04… Your partner doesn’t hire a  lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03… If you  live in Florida , you can do it almost every  day.
#02… You don’t have to cuddle with your  partner when you’re finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than  sex…..
#01… When your equipment gets old you  can replace it!

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And Finally. . .

Outdoorsy Man

 

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level. 

He described a typical day this way:  “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.”  

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”

”NAH,” he replied, “I’m just a shitty golfer.”

Tuesday Mini-Monotony Breaker

Tuesday Morning’s “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” show experienced some technical difficulties  —  but it was recorded and is available for your listening pleasure with a simple click. https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-02-21-17-love-1968-1984/ (it’s really good???)

In the meantime  —  today’s Mini MB includes some amazing

“map facts”  —  and a couple “cuties”.  Enjoy. . .

1.This map shows the world divided into 7 sections (each with distinct color) each section containing 1 billion people.

  1. This map shows (in white) where98 percent of Australia ‘s entire population lives.
    3.
  2. It may not come as a surprise but more people live inside the circle than outside of it
  3. .
    4. This map shows what is on the other side of the world from where you’re standing.  For the most part it’s water.
    5. Apparently you can’t get Big Macs everywhere.  This map shows (in red) the countries that have McDonalds.
    6. This map shows the countries (in blue) where people drive on the left side of the road
  4. .
    7. This map shows countries (in white) that England has never invaded.  There are only 22.  (In the WORLD!)
    8. The line on this map shows all of the world’s Internet connections in 1969.

    9. This map shows the countries that heavily restricted Internet access in 2013.


    10. This map shows (in red) countries that were all Communist at one point in time.


    11. This map shows (in red) the countries that don’t use the metric system.


    12. This map shows (in blue) places where Google street view is available.


    13. This map shows (in green) all the landlocked countries of the world.

    14. And this is what the world would look like if all the countries with coast lines sank.

    15. This is a map of the all the rivers in the United States .


    16. And these are all the rivers that feed into the Mississippi River .

    17. This is a map of the highest paid public employees in the U. S.  (Quite telling as to what our ‘priorities’ are.)

  1. This map shows how much space the United States would occupy on the moon.

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Blonds strike back at the male gender. . .

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”

He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”

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A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.

“No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”

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A blonde man is in jail; the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.

“Hanging myself”, the blonde replies.

“The rope should be around your neck” says the guard.

“I tried that”, he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”

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A friend told the blonde man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”

The blonde man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

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Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”

The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said:  “Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex.  The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”

To which the blonde man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you, because I wasn’t even at home Yesterday!!!

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And finally. . .

LEARNING TO CUSS 
  

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. 
The 6 year old asks, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss.”
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. 
The 6 year old continues,”When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.” 
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. 

 

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!” 
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

Birthday Monotony Breaker

With a “big” birthday coming up in a few days, I thought that today’s Monotony Breaker should be “special”  —  and it is.  Dogs have long been known as “Man’s Best Friend”  —  but did you know they were so smart???  This is followed by some “simple truths”  —  and ends w/ some of the absolute “best” photos you have ever seen.

And this reminder that Tuesday Morning’s “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” (11:00 am Eastern; 8:00 am Pacific) is a continuation of last week’s “Love” Theme  —  this time featuring songs recorded between 1968 and 1984.  Check it out at www.titanradio.org   — (or the “ifullerton” app on your smartphone) and remember  —  you can find 60+ “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” show at www.mixcloud.com.  Just type    billdickerson   (no space between the first and last name) and then click on the show of your choice  —  and by all means  —  let me know what you think.

And now  —  today’s Monotony Breaker. . .

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SIMPLE  TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.
  
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say “Congrats”.
But, none of them touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.
  
 
FIVE OTHER SIMPLE  TRUTHS:
 
1.  Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Bentley than on a bicycle.
  
2.  Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.
  
3.  If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
  
4.  Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
  
5.  Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
  
Bonus Truth:
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

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ARE YOU A PILOT?  I THOUGHT I WAS…

  

You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it

 

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

Are you a real pilot?

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

 

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’ 

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:

“Are you a real pilot?”

 

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

 

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 And Finally. . .

  1. Cracking the Surface, Lake Baikal

Photographer Alexey Trofimov, captured quite an unusual picture of the ice, here.
He writes that the ‘ice on Lake Baikal is a very interesting phenomenon.’

  1. The Village, Hungary

This photograph was taken by Gabor Dvornik, who lives half a mile from The Village,
which is set on a natural reserve in Sződliget Hungary.
While the air in this place is special every season, it is especially rare to have a nice, mist day.
‘It was utterly ghostly and very moody out there’ he writes.

  1. When Penguins Attack, Antarctica

Captured with a GoPro on Antarctica’s sea ice. The photographer, Clinton Berry had studied the movements of the penguins for weeks.
The day that this shot was taken, there were over 60 penguins and Berry says that there was a bit of luck involved too.

  1. Against the Wind, Canada

In this shot, photographed by Domnic Roy, a snowy owl appears to be fighting against the elements
during extreme weather conditions near Quebec City, Canada.

  1. Something’s Fishy, British Colombia Coast, Canada

Photographed by Ian McAllister using an underwater housing, this shot captures an intimate portrait
of a wolf wading through the inter-tidal zone on the British Colombia coast in Canada.
The wolf took a break from eating herring roe to investigate the photographer’s half-submerged camera.

  1. Who’s There?

While taking this photo, Cezary Wyszynski imagined this mouse thinking ‘Who was knocking at my door?’

  1. Falls in Autumn, Plitivice Lakes National Park, Croatia

This is the country’s oldest and largest National Park, which boasts 16 terraced lakes, formed by
natural travertine dams that change color throughout the day. This photo was taken by Vedrana Tafra.

  1. Bioluminous Larak, Iran 

This shot was taken along the shore of Larak, Iran – an island in the Persian Gulf.
‘The magical lights of the Plankton enchanted me so that I snapped the shot,’ Pooyan Shadpoor says.

  1. Mother of the Forest, Madagascar

The boabab trees on Madagascar are 800 years old. They are home to snakes, bats, bush babies, bees and at times,
humans. The trees are an important source of water – once can store up to 4,000 liters of water in its trunk.

  1. Fox Found, Gran Paradiso National Park, Italy

Gran Paradiso National Park, was once a royal hunting retreat. Here, a red fox lies in wait, camouflaged
by the autumn woods. This photo was captured by Stefano Unterthiner.

  1. Dancing with the Moon, Iceland

The vivid beams of light are a result of collisions between charged particles released from the sun’s
atmosphere and gaseous particles in Earth’s atmosphere. This shot was captured by Andrew George.

  1. Winter White, Gran Paradiso National Park, Italy

Another great shot taken at Italy’s Gran Paradiso National Park by Stefano Unterthiner.
Among the wildlife inhabiting this pare are ibex, chamois, red foxes and ermines).

  1. Big Baby, Tonga

This young humpback whale was captured in the waters off Tonga. Karim Iliya writes that she ‘could not help
but wave and smile at the newborn whale almost three times my length.’
Curiosity got the better of it and emerging from under its mother’s fin,
it swam toward me, approaching less than 30 centimeters (11 inches).

  1. Bird Feeders, China

Abderazak Tissoukai was near Xingping in China’s Guanxi region when he took this shot – a cormorant fisherman at sunset.
‘Xingping is definitely one of the most beautiful places in China, with its scenic karst landscapes, and it traditional and genuine people,’ he writes.

  1. Kit Friendly, Estonia

This kit fox appears to be weighing the presence of Kalmer Lehepuu’s camera lens.
He writes that ‘on one beautiful evening, the mother went to get food and left the kits on their own.’

  1. Shining Through, Apostle Islands, National Lakeshore, Wisconsin

This shot, taken by Ernie Vater, captures the setting sun shining the rough ice on the shore of a frozen Lake Superior.
Part of the beauty of this place is its silence. Vater writes ‘you hear nothing except for the occasional creaking of the ice’.

  1. Yellow Jellies, Rock Islands of Palau

These golden jellyfish are harmless to humans, they spend much of their time following the sun as it moves across the sky.
Sunlight for these jellyfish is essential. Captured by Ciemon Frank Caballes.

  1. All the Fish in the Sea, Cabo Pulmo

‘This is what our oceans should look like’, Jeff Hester, who captured this shot says. But Cabo Pulmo,
a marine park off Mexico’s Baja California, hadn’t always been this way.

  1. Imperial Blossoms, Japan

These weeping cherry tree blooms, were captured on the grounds of the Imperial Palace in Kyoto, Japan.
They typically bloom in late March and early April. This photo was taken by Yukio Miki.

  1. Hull-o, Caribbean Island of Bonaire

This photo shows a diver gazing at Hilma Hooker, a cargo ship purposely sunk off the Caribbean island of Bonaire –
a popular destination for scuba divers. This photo was taken by Marc Henauer.

                   

Valentine’s Mini MB

For those who may have missed Tuesday’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy”  —  it features some great songs w/ “Love” in the title  —  but not the songs that you hear all the time.  Check it out at https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-02-14-17-love-1957-1967/   and let me know what you think.

In the meantime, with the East Coast still blanketed in Snow  —  Today’s Mini Monotony Breaker is also pretty special.  Enjoy. . .

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1. Law of Mechanical Repair 
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.2. Law of Gravity 
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.3. Law of Probability  
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers 
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law  
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath  
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result 
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics 
 The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law 
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy’s Law of Lockers 
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument 
Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance 
If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking 
— A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- 
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors’ Law 
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

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And finally, w/ the recent meeting between President Trump and Prime Minister Trudeau  —  some reminders of just how great (and creative) our neighbors to the North can be might be in order. . .