April Monotony Breaker — What WERE they thinking???

Today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ some rather interesting “situations”  —  and continues w/ some hilarious  —  and in some cases  —  touching “stuff.”

Please note that this week’s “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” has been uploaded to Mixcloud and is available for your listening enjoyment.  It features “This Day in History” and is “fascinating” (if I do say so myself).  Click here  

https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-04-12-16-day-in-history/ 

And don’t forget to tell all your friends about www.monotonybreaker.com  —  the weekly choice for “entertainment.”

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Wine Lovers  —  take note. . .

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A Videolink to make you smile. . .

http://www.safeshare.tv/w/HtsNZejCuU 

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And Finally  —  a link that will make you “think”  —  a 60 second commercial that is really powerful. . .
https://www.youtube.com/embed/uoABty_zE00?rel=0

 

Hall of Fame Monotony Breaker

Today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ Maxine’s “take” on a recent sermon that she heard  —  and continues w/ several similar entertaining bits.

And this reminder  —  today’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” had some broadcast difficulties  —  but the show, itself has been preserved at mixcloud and is available at

https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-04-05-06-bert-berns-story/ 

It features a man described as the greatest songwriter of whom you’ve never heard  —  Bert Berns  —  and I can assure that you will find it quite interesting.  Enjoy. . .

(and don’t forget that you can satisfy your MB habit at ANY time by simply going to)

www.monotonybreaker.com

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“4 Worms In Church

Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!!

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A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
1. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

2. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

3. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

4. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol Dead .

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The second worm in cigarette smoke Dead .

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Third worm in chocolate syrup Dead .

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Fourth worm in good clean soil Alive…

So the Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”

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Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said
As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
That pretty much ended the service
!

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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
“Well, sir, if there was any Work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.

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ONLY A GRANDMOTHER WOULD KNOW….

A Cup  of Tea made with cold water.

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a  little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. 

Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water

After several cups of tea and lot of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home. My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’

Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the  hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a grandma would know), “‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

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And finally  —  three proven ways to fail a “drunken” test (and to think at least two of these three people were driving???)

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=3714530620205  

Spring Break Monotony Breaker — humorous, melodic and uplifting — what more could one ask for???

It’s Spring Break at Cal State Fullerton  —  no live radio broadcast this week, so a good opportunity to dig into the archives and find a great show from the past that is not currently available on Mixcloud.

 And you don’t have to be a huge fan of country music to enjoy this edition of “Country Gold”  —   check it out at

https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/country-gold-02-02-12-special-edition-1/    

I can assure you  —  this is NOT YOUR GRANDPARENTS COUNTRY MUSIC.

And this reminder that today’s Monotony Breaker  —  as well as other MB’s over the past several months are available at any time at  www.monotonybreaker.com  Check it out.

In the meantime  —  on with today’s Spring Break Monotony Breaker.  Enjoy. . .

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Currently reading the Steve Jobs Biography  —  makes this all the more pertinent. . .

thought 1thought 6 thought 2 thought 4 thought 5

20​ years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now the USA has no Jobs​, no Hope, and no Cash…​

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Tech Support

 

A woman wrote to tech support, and their reply is a stroke of genius. She sent the letter as a joke and only remembered about it when she suddenly received an email notification with this answer.

 

Dear Tech Support,

 

’Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

 

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

 

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

 

What can I do?

 

Signed,

Desperate

 

Dear Desperate,

 

“First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

 

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring 3.2.

 

In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

 

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

 

Good Luck!’

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The Black Bra   (as told by a woman)  

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went.
   


My engaged friend
:     
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice,
tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’

Then we made passionate love all night long.   

The mistress:
    
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat,
under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.

When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.     

Then I had to share my story:
    
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos
and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

” What’s for dinner  —  Zorro?”

THAT IS THE STORY OF OUR MARRIED LIFE

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And Finally  —  Possibly The Best Email You’ll Get All Year  —  Enjoy. . .

 

People can make a difference…Here are just a few examples:

The man who gave the shoes off his feet to this homeless girl.

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Source:
oddstuffmagazine.com

This motorist that stopped to help an old man pass safely.

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Source:
pleated-jeans.com

This barber, who offers haircuts for the price of a single hug.

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Source:
boredomtherapy.com

This police officer who handcuffed himself to a woman to make sure she knew she’d have to take him with her.

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Source:
boredomtherapy.com

The many people that helped make this boy’s dream come true.

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This dog owner who mourned by giving.

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Source:
boredomtherapy.com

This store employee who gives extra service.

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Source:
boredomtherapy.com

The person who decided to put new tires on a stranger’s car just because he needed it.

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Source:
fb-troublemakers.com

The crowd who decided a fan should be able to watch the show, no matter what.

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Source:
boredomtherapy.com

This dry cleaning place that helps the unemployed for free.

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Source:
pleated-jeans.com

These kids helping an injured member of their rival team to score.

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Source:
boredomtherapy.com

The man who played for fun and gave his winnings away.

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Source:
fb-troublemakers.com

This man who missed his train helping this older lady with her bags.

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Source:
boredomtherapy.com

This man who gave something to a homeless man no one gives – something to occupy his mind.

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Source:
pleated-jeans.com

And Dan, a man, who twice a week, buys coffee for every patient, nurse and doctor at local cancer centers.

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Source:
nedhardy.com

The people at the animal hospital, knowing how hard it is to say goodbye.

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Source:
boredomtherapy.com

This man who gave his umbrella away so this cat could have a dry night.

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Source:
pleated-jeans.com

The paramedics who took an elderly man to the hospital and then came back and finished shoveling his driveway for him.

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Makes you feel good, doesn’t it …

 

 

MB & Oldies Alert – some humorous “aphorisms” (whatever those are)

Today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ some humorous “aphorisms” (whatever those are)  —  and continues w/ some other tidbits to entertain you for the next couple minutes.

And speaking of  “entertainment”  —  check out this week’s edition of my weekly radio show  —  “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” by clicking on the following link

https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-03-22-16-islands/

and enjoy a “trip to the Islands”.  I think you might like what you hear.  In the meantime  —  today’s Monotony Breaker. . .

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APHORISMS FOR THE YEAR…

it’s not whether you win or lose,
But how you place the blame.        
We have enough “youth“.
How about a fountain of “smart“?
A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
When blondes have more fun,  do they know it?
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENT’S MISTAKES-       –       USE BIRTH CONTROL
Money isn’t everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
If at first you don’t succeed,
Skydiving is not for you.
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you  
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
Give the rest a bad name.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
To produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto: 
At least we’re not Mississippi
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
The latest survey shows that
Three out of four people make
Up 75% of the population
“I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
Identify their corporate sponsors.

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate   to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.

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A little Stress Relief to help your day!

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WOMEN’S  REVENGE
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet,  I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.
‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come  shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

UNDERSTANDING  WOMEN
(A MAN’S  PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

WIFE  VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position..  
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and  pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ ‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men….
The husband then turned to his wife and asked,  ‘What?’

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.  
The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get  our coffee.
The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’
Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’
Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the Old  Testament and showed him at the top of several  pages, that it indeed says …   ‘HEBREWS’

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 
‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM .’  He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next  morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and  see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by  the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM . Wake up..’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
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And finally  —  one last bit of “entertainment. . .”

Top 10 Songs, Each Month, Past 30+ Years

http://www.45rpmdb.com/Top10.html

Click on the link above, then click on the month you choose, then click on the speaker in the middle of the record, and it plays the entire song.

You now have more than 30 years of the Top 10 Songs for each month from 1950 to 1986.

You not only hear the music, you get to see the original label, and if you click on the title underneath the record, you will see a photo of the artist…

MB and Oldies Alert

Today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ some rather remarkable examples of people who really know how to deal w/ the aging process and continues w/ a variety of interesting tidbits to which you’ve become accustomed.  Also  —  This week’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” has been uploaded to Mixcloud and is available by clicking on the following link:  https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-03-15-16-ides-irish-collage/    As will be evident  —  it’s a bit of a collage combining the fact that yesterday we celebrated the “Ides of March” and tomorrow we’ll be celebrating Ireland’s Patron Saint  —  no doubt w/ a bit of green beer to spice up the festivities.  As always  —  Enjoy. . . (and tell your friends to check out www.monotonybreaker.com as well. . .)

 

96 105 123 131 141 151 161 171 181 191 201 213 214 311 1111 49 77 84

“Optimism is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat 

And taking the tartar sauce with you!”

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Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.  The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry, son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
 
The farmer asked, ‘what ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ 
The farmer said, you can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’ 
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can Watch me.. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘what happened with that dead donkey?’ 
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
 
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’ 
Chuck now works for the government.

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 Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives (only 14 items; not long)

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1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

 
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2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

 
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3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

 
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4. A dog’s parents never visit.

 
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5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

 
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6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

 
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7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk..

 
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8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

 
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9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”

 
 
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10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

 
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11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

 
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12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.

 
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13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

 
And last, but not least:
 

 

14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:   
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.   Then open it and see who’s happy to see you!

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The Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Nursing Home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

 “Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the Bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

 “No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

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And Finally  —  Wedding Night at the Senior’s Lodge  —  Enjoy. . .

http://biggeekdad.com/2010/10/side-by-side/

MB for International Women’s Day

This week’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” celebrates “International Women’s Day”  —  and does so in the “happiest” of ways (if you know what I mean) and has been uploaded to Mixcloud.  Check it out at https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-03-08-16-happy/

However, in the meantime  —  today’s Monotony Breaker is “particularly” interesting from a number of different perspectives  —  beginning w/ some “creative” signage.  Enjoy. . .
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A Wise Man once said. . .

  1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks – Priceless.

    3. Breaking News: Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore.  A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

     4. Arguing over a girl’s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser.  Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

    5. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

    6. On average, an American man under 75 will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese!

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Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store in Ladysmith. I placed them on the front seat of the HHR and headed back home.

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I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

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It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
“I’m a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?”

                      I thought about it for a second and said “What kinda beer you got”

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Do not regret growing older.
It is a privilege denied to many.

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SENIOR DRIVER from SUN CITY CENTER

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, “you appear quite elderly to be driving.”
“Well, yes, I am,” she replied proudly. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore.
“The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver’s license.
I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,
‘You won’t need this anymore,’ so I thanked him and left!”

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Just wanted to say Hi, AND HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY!

    A smile – is a sign of joy.
    A hug – is a sign of love.
    A laugh – is a sign of happiness.

And a friend like me? Well…that’s just a sign of good taste???

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And finally  —  a video treat that is truly enjoyable and connotes nice memories. . .

10 years of Budweiser commercials.

http://wallythekat.tripod.com/A_Pages/AA-Videos-YOU-Tube/Clydesdales.html

MB and Oldies Alert

Today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ some photos that will surprise most  —  and continues w/ some of those entertaining tidbits to which you’ve become accustomed.

Also  —  today’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” has been uploaded to Mixcloud and is available for your listening pleasure by clicking  right here  https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-03-01-16-day-in-history/   And this reminder that Mixcloud has around 50 of these shows that are available for your listening pleasure whenever you see fit.  Merely go to www.mixcloud.com  and enter “billdickerson” (no space) in the Search Box at the top  —  and make your selection.  Don’t hesitate to let me know what you think.

And speaking of reminders  —  don’t forget that many of the most recent Monotony Breakers (and eventually, many of the older ones as well) are available at our new website  www.monotonybreaker.com  Check it out at your leisure  —  and feel free to share at will.

In the meantime  —  on w/ today’s Monotony Breaker. . .

When They Were Young

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Yul Brynner

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Buddy Ebsen

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Don Rickles

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Lucy

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Mae West

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Dolly Parton

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Tom Hanks

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Patrick Stewart

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William Shatner

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Fred Gwynne

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Sean Connery

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Dwight Eisenhower

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Marlon Brando

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WWII Lucy and Desi

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Glenn Ford

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Dan Blocker

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Young Jack

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Charles Durning

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Gene Hackman

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Steve McQueen

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Johnny Cash

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Jack Benny

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Leonard Nimoy

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Brothers James Arness and Peter Graves

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Clark Gable

Clint Eastwood Senior Year 1949 Oakland Technical High School, Oakland, CA Credit: Seth Poppel/Yearbook Library

Clint Eastwood Senior Year 1949
Oakland Technical High School, Oakland, CA
Credit: Seth Poppel/Yearbook Library

Clint Eastwood

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Frank Sinatra

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Ed McMahon

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Lee Marvin

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Paul Newman

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Edward G Robinson  WW I

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Farrah Fawcett

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Jack Nicholson

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 An Example of what Deep Thinkers Are?

 

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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said ‘nothing’ instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she then would have asked ‘about what?’ At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they “know”?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really “know”, here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case.  Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

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And especially for those in the great Northeast  —  something that many will find educational  —  and certainly interesting. . .

http://www.msn.com/en-us/autos/news/stop-hurting-your-engine-by-warming-up-the-car-when-its-cold-out/ar-BBowQ2l?li=BBnb4R5&ocid=iehp

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Today’s lesson

Daddy’s car in the woods.

Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a Passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
‘Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…’

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, ‘Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy’s Face when you tell it tonight.’

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story.

I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.’

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Before you interrupt! Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story

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And Finally  —  a hilarious couple minutes from Jay Thomas on the David Letterman Show that features none other than “The Lone Ranger.”  Enjoy. . .

http://biggeekdad.com/2012/10/the-lone-ranger-story/

 

Oldies MB 2-23-16

Today’s Monotony Breaker includes the proverbial cornucopia of interesting bits of entertainment  —  and of course the link on Mixcloud to today’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy”  Click on the following

https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-02-23-16-101theone-3a/  and, as always, let me know what you think. . .

To begin, the ads that follow “supposedly” appeared in a newspaper circulated at “The Villages” in Florida. They are “hilarious.” And having just returned from a few days in Florida  —  they appear to be entirely reasonable.  Enjoy. . .

FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
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LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.  Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
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SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
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WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
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BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
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MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads
together.
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My favorite…

MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.

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An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey,
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
But it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like
I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like
The old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don’t dig up that garden.

That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
The entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

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GREAT TRUTHS

  1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
    — John Adams
  1. If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
    — Mark Twain
  1. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
    — Mark Twain
  1. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
    Winston Churchill
  1. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
    — George Bernard Shaw
  1. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
    — G. Gordon Liddy
  1. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
    James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
  1. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
    — Douglas Case, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
  1. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
    — P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
  1. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
    — Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)
  1. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it.  If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
    Ronald Reagan (1986)
  1. I don’t make jokes.I just watch the government and report the facts.
    — Will Rogers
  1. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!
    — P. J. O’Rourke
  1. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
    Voltaire (1764)
  1. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!
    — Pericles (430 B.C.)
  1. No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
    — Mark Twain (1866)
  1. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it.
    — Anonymous
  1. The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
    — Ronald Reagan
  1. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
    — Winston Churchill
  1. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
    — Mark Twain
  1. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
    — Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
  1. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress.
    — Mark Twain
  1. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians
    Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
  1. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
    — Thomas Jefferson
  1. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
    — Aesop

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Free Sex With Fill Up

A gas station owner in Tennessee was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

Bubba replied, “It ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.

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‘Completed’ and ‘Finished’ What’s the difference?

Especially for English Language Lovers..

Can any one tell the difference between ‘Completed’ and ‘Finished’?

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished.’

However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner.

His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are ‘Complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘Finished.’ And , when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are ‘Completely Finished.’

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

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And Finally  — 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
5) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge… mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS: How true this one is.

At age 4 success is . . . … Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is … . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is ….. . Having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . … . Having money.
At age 50 success is . .. .. Having money.
At age 70 success is . … . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is … … Having friends.
At age 80 success is . .. .. Not piddling in your pants.

Valentine’s MB Special…

. . . which is nothing more than subterfuge for some of the sexiest songs of all time  —  at least according to Billboard Magazine  —  so that’s what you’ll hearin today’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy”  which has now been uploaded to Mixcloud and is available at the following link.

 https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-02-16-16-valentine-special/

And by the way  —  you can hear any one of some 50 or so “Oldies” Shows at www.mixcloud.com by simply typing “billdickerson” into the Search Space at the top.

And in the meantime  —  on with today’s Monotony Breaker. . .

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!


In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.

 
The head monk, says, “We have been copying

from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”


He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R! We missed the R!

We missed the bloody R!” 

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

 
The young monk asks the old Abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

“The word was ….

 

 

CELEBRATE!”

 

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Leather Dresses

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?


Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,
a man’s heart beats quicker,

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his throat gets dry,

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he gets weak in the knees,

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and he begins to think irrationally.

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Ever wonder why?

It’s because she
smells like a new golf bag!!!

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And Finally  —  As the Commercials from last week’s Superbowl begin to fade  —  one more that is really something. . .

https://www.facebook.com/star1045/videos/10152871613882066/

 

Monotony Breaker – 1/15/16

Today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ some great photos of “youngsters” who, despite their early beginnings, went on to make their mark on history.  It then continues w/ some rather entertaining “stuff” as usual.

Also, since “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” is on hiatus during the January Break  —  I’ve uploaded the show from March 23, 2013 that  —  despite a couple “mistakes”  —  I believe you may find interesting.  Check it out by clicking on the link below  —  and let me know of you caught my rather embarrassing errors. . .

https://www.mixcloud.com/upload/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-03-26-13/complete/

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We have all seen old pics of famous people but the text with these

make them most interesting.

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 Therapy session with four young mothers

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Donna quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”

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Reflections from the Seat of an Old Tractor

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Old Farmer’s Advice

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered……not yelled.

Meanness don’t just happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about, ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

Don ‘t judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time..

Don ‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.

Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.

And……………………………………

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And finally  —  one of the most entertaining bits you will ever see  —  and its 100% “clean.”  Check it out. . .

This happened over 30 years ago. Only those of us over 50 will recognize the people in the front row.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/n6mbW-jMtrY?rel=0