Mid-Week Monotony Breaker

“Oldies w/ the Old Guy” gets extra time at radio station WIRY this week as I’ll be filling in Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights from 5:00 till Midnight.  The “Eighties at Eight” will feature some great stuff from the 1st week of August  —  so check it out at wiry.com or 1340 AM and 100.7 FM and let me know what you think.

In the meantime, today’s MB begins with some quotes regarding Husbands and Wives attributed to some pretty famous people  —  and continues w/ some other stuff to entertain you.  Enjoy. . .

 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

King  David

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

Sasha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy.

If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.


Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

The great question, which I have not been able to answer.. is, “What does a woman want?”

Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.


Sigmund Freud

‘Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays’

Red Skelton

‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’


Sam Kinison

‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives
The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.

Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…


Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.


Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.


Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’
Second Guy : ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’

Anonymous

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An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

 

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

 

The female doctor says, “I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

 

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,’99’.

 

The old guy obeys and says,”99″.

 

The doctor says, “Great”,now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say ,’99”.

 

Again, the old guy   says,’99’.”

 

The doctor said, “Very good”.

 

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

 

I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

 

Now take a deep breath and say, ’99’.

 

 The old guy begins, “One,   two,     three….”

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A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.  “Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”

“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth?  They’re hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money.”

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?” His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes.”

After a few minutes the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”

She said, “Most of them become taxi drivers.”

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A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.  The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said,  “Come on, honey.  Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid.  Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Michigan ,
the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach
and play golf.

 

At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.

 

“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the
tight shorts, and the legs “

 

Ten years later at age 40 they play.

 

“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and
everybody has a little action on the games.”

 

Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf.

 

“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”

 

At age 60 they play a round of golf.

 

“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price.”

 

At age 70 they play a round of golf.

 

“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”

 

At age 80 they play a round of golf.

 

“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“We’ve never been there before.”

 

“Never regret growing older.
It is a privilege denied to many.”

One Hit Wonder Monotony Breaker

One Hit Wonders???  You know  —  those songs that captured your fancy many years ago  —  and even today conjure up fond memories  —  will be the focus of Sunday’s “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” meets WIRY from noon till 6:00 PM Eastern  —  at 1340 AM, 100.7 FM and www.wiry.com on the World Wide Web.  I “guarantee” you’re going to like what you hear  —  so check it out if you can.

In the meantime  —  today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ some rather interesting tidbits  —  the accuracy, of which, I cannot vouch . . .

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Today’s Chuckles. . .

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SHORT, BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. 

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied, ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married’.

‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’ he exclaimed excitedly.

‘Good,’ she replied, ‘Then get your own blanket!’

After a moment of silence, he rolled over and farted.

The End.

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00


His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job
in the first place.


It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would
not have to testify in court.


When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer,
“Ask him where the money is!”


The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido,
“Where’s the money?”


Guido signs back,
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”


The lawyer tells the Godfather,
“He says he doesn’t know
what you’re talking about.”


The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
puts it to Guido’s head and says,
“Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”


The lawyer signs to Guido,


“He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs,
“OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”


The Godfather asks the lawyer,
“What did he say?”


The lawyer replies,
“He says f— you. You don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

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And finally  —  some interesting advice that just “might” make a difference  —  check it out. . .

1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you.  Wear nice shoes. 

2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there’s a 50% chance you’ll die within the next 3 years. 

3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There’s a 9% chance that you’ll meet one of them in your lifetime. 

4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger. 

5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their weight is 
determined by their mother. 

6. If a part of your body “falls asleep”, You can almost always “wake it up” by shaking your head. 

7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist 
noticing – food, attractive people and danger. 

8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side. 

9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor. 

10. According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years. 

11. There are so many kinds of apples, that if you ate a new one every day, it would take over 20 years to try them all. 

  1. 12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11

    days without sleeping. 

    13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t. 

    14. Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking. 

    15. A human brain has a capacity to store 5 times as much information as Wikipedia. 

    16. Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb!! 

    17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 mins to boil 1.5 liters of water!! 

    18. The Ovum egg is the largest cell and the sperm is the smallest cell !! 

    19. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!! 

    20. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE.  It is the ultimate antidepressant. 

    21. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. 

    22. When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask guidance for your

    purpose, today. 

    23. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 

    24. Drink green tea and plenty of water.  Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds. 

    25. Try to make at least three people smile each day. 

    26. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. 

    27. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card. 

    28. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good. 

    29. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.  Forgive them for everything. 

    30. Don’t take yourself so seriously.  No one else does. 

    31. You don’t have to win every argument.  Agree to disagree. 

    32. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present. 

    33. Don’t compare your life to others.  You have no idea what their journey is all about. 

    34. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 

    35. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?’ 

    36. Help the needy, Be generous!  Be a ‘Giver’ not a ‘Taker’.

    37. What other people think of you is none of your business. 

    38. Time heals everything. 

    39. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 

    40. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick.  Your friends will.  Stay in touch. 

    41. Envy is a waste of time.  You already have all you need. 

    42. Each night before you go to bed, pray to God and be thankful for what you accomplished, today . 

    43. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed. 

Sunday WIRY Monotony Breaker

If it’s Sunday, it means “Oldies w/ the Old Guy”  hits the airwaves at WIRY  —   Noon till 6:00 (Eastern)  —  at 1340 AM, 100.7 FM and WIRY.com.  Sunday’s show will feature some of the “Lost Hits” from the 3rd week of July  —  1967-1976.  It will include lots of songs that you don’t hear a lot on the radio  —  and I’m sure you’ll enjoy hearing these great songs again.  Join me if you can. . .

And today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ a “sad but true” reflection of today’s times.  Enjoy. . .

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I TOLD MY SON, “YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE.”

 HE SAID, “NO.”

 

I TOLD HIM, “SHE IS BILL GATES DAUGHTER.”
HE SAID, “YES.”

 

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, “I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON,
“BILL GATES SAID, “NO”

 

I TOLD BILL GATES, “MY SON IS THE C.E.O. OF THE WORLD BANK.”
BILL GATES SAID, “OK”

 

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE C.E.O.
HE SAID, “NO”

 

I TOLD HIM, “MY SON IS BILL GATES SON-IN-LAW”
HE SAID, “OK”


THIS IS EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS

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40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60’s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic

little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for

all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:

‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female …..

SEND THIS

TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH .

AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

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Toddler (n.)

Emotionally unstable pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you towards utter insanity before reverting to a lovable creature.

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And finally  —  just when you thought you couldn’t take any more news about medical care  —  along comes what very well might be the answer we’ve all been waiting for  —   the “Redneck Medical Dictionary”. . .

Redneck Medical Dictionary

Rednecks have the lowest stress rate

because they do not take medical terminology seriously.

You are going to die anyway, so live life like a Redneck!

Medical Term – Redneck Definition – 

Artery – The study of painting

Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria

Barium – What doctors do when patients die 

Benign – What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section – A neighborhood in Rome 

Cat scan – Searching for Kitty

Cauterize – Made eye contact with her

Colic – A sheep dog

Coma – A punctuation mark

Dilate – To live long

Enema – Not a friend

Fester – Quicker than someone else

Fibula – A small lie

Impotent – Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain – Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane

Morbid – A higher offer

Nitrates – Rates of Pay for Working at Night,

Normally more money than Days 

Node – I knew it

Outpatient – A person who has fainted

Pelvis – Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative – A letter carrier

Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery

Rectum – Nearly killed him

 

Lake – river-H2O Monotony Breaker

This week’s edition “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” at WIRY is a tribute to the beauties of “Water”  —  in all its forms (and of course the songs that represent this “beauty.”)  For, despite WC Fields’ famous quote “Water  —  never touch the stuff.  Fish “make love” in it you know “(or something close to that???)  —  there are lots of great songs in which water plays an important part.  Join me if you can Sunday noon till 6:00 eastern time at www.wiry.com (or 100.7 locally).

In the meantime  —  on with today’s Monotony Breaker which addresses one of the more “frosty” versions of water  —  Enjoy. . .

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The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.

Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, reveals that:

North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more!), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

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Sports Team Names and What is Correct

I  think all sports fans will get a kick out of this letter written to the Chicago Tribune…. Enjoy

No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny.

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let’s ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.  The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60’s alive.  Gone. It’s offensive to us white folk.  The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men’s lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates! 

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children. 

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Another wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women’s athletic teams to something other than “the Beavers” (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them.

As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress.

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And Finally  . . .

Little Bit Of Philosophy

 

‘There are only two ways to live your life: one is as though nothing is a miracle; the other is as though everything is a miracle.’ (Albert Einstein)

As we grow older and wiser we realize a $300 or $30 watch – – – they both tell the same time.

Whether we carry a $300 or $30 wallet/handbag – – – the amount of money inside is the same.

Whether we drink a bottle of $300 or $30 or $3 wine – – – the hangover is the same.

Whether the house we live in is 300, 3,000 or 30,000 sq.  ft.  – – – the loneliness is the same.

And we realize our true inner happiness does not come from the material things of this world.

Whether we fly first or economy class, if the plane goes down – – – we go down with it.  Whether we fly first or economy class, if the plane reaches its destination – – everyone arrives at the same time.

Therefore .  .  .  we should realize that when we have mates, buddies and old friends, brothers and sisters, with whom we can chat, laugh, talk, sing, talk about north-south-east-west or heaven and earth — that is true happiness!

Six Undeniable Facts of Life:

  1. Don’t educate your children to be rich.  Educate them to be happy, so when they grow up they will know the value of things, not the price.

  1. Wise words: “Eat your food as your medicines.  Otherwise you have to eat medicines as your food.”

  1. The one who loves you will never leave you because, even if there are 100 reasons to give up, he or she will find one reason to hold on.

  1. There is a big difference between a human being and being human.  Only a few folks really understand that.

  1. You are loved when you are born.  You will be loved when you die.  In between, you have to manage!

  1. If you just want to walk fast, walk alone; but, if you want to walk far, walk together!

Six Best Doctors in the World

  1. Sunlight

  2. Rest

  3. Exercise

  4. Diet

  5. Self Confidence

  6. Friends And, finally: The nicest place to be is in someone’s thoughts, the safest place to be is in someone’s prayers, and the very best place to be is……….in the hands of God.

Radio/DJ Monotony Breaker

Today’s Monotony Breaker will trigger wonderful memories for some  —  and raise “interesting discussion topics” for those too young to have personally experienced the 50’s.

And on a related note  —  today’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” on WIRY (noon till 6:00 Eastern) (1340 AM, 100.7 FM and www.wiry.com on the internet) will feature songs about Radio and Disc Jockeys  —  obviously one of my favorite topics.  Join me if you can for a closer look at this wonderful medium called “radio.”

 

You know you’re getting old when you remember:

Girls wearing  Gym Uniforms?

Took three minutes for the Television to start

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Nobody owned a purebred Dog

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When a Quarter was a decent allowance

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You’d reach into a gutter for a penny

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Women wore nylons  in two pieces

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Your Windshield got cleaned, Oil checked, and Gas 
pumped, without asking, all for free, every time! 

Never paid for Air as well as Trading Stamps

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Laundry Detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels 
hidden inside the box

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 A great privilege to be taken out to 
dinner at a Restaurant with your Parents

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Schools kept ‘failed’ Students back a grade!

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A 57 Chevy was a Dream Car 

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Car keys were always in the ignition,

and the doors were never locked

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Lying on your back relaxing in the Grass with your

 Friends picturing Sky and Cloud shapes

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Playing Baseball  showing  Kids the 
Rules of the Game without Adults

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Stuff from Stores came without ‘safety’ caps and ‘hermetic’ seals

because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect Stranger
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With all Modern Progress, would you just once wish,
you could slip Back in Time for the Slower pace, 
and share it with the Children Today.
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Basically we survived because Parents, Grand Parents love was greatest!
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As well as Summers filled with Bike rides,

Hula Hoops, Visits to swimming in the Ocean 

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Didn’t that feel good, just to go back and say, 
“Yeah, I remember that”

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Remember that the perfect age is somewhere

between Old enough to know better and too Young to care.

Remember Howdy Doody, The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger,   Roy and Dale, Trigger, Buttermilk, etc. etc.

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Candy Cigarettes

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Wax Coke-shaped Bottles

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Soda Pop Machines that dispensed Glass Bottles. 
Coffee Shops with Table Side Jukeboxes. 
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry Chewing Gum.

Home Milk delivery in Glass bottles with Cardboard Stoppers.

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News Reels before the Movie

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Telephone #  with a word prefix / Party Lines.

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Peashooters

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Hi-Fi’s& 45 RPM Records.

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78 RPM Records!

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Green Stamps

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Mimeograph Paper
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The Fort Apache Play Set.
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Do You Remember a Time When…

Decisions were made by going ‘Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe’

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, ‘Do Over!’ 

Race issue’ meant  who ran the fastest?

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Catching Fireflies Could Happily Occupy An Entire Evening

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It wasn’t odd to have  lots of ‘Best Friends’

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Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a Slingshot.

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Saturday Morning Cartoons were not 30-minute Commercials for Action Figures

Spinning around, getting Dizzy, Falling down was cause for Giggles

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The Worst Embarrassment was being picked last for a Team

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Baseball Cards in the spokes transformed any Bike into a Motorcycle

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Taking Drugs meant orange – flavored chewable Aspirin

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Water Balloons were the ultimate Weapon
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If you can remember most or all of these.

 Then You Have Lived!!

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A Woman’s Place

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, “Land mines.”

 Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

 BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE’S A SMART WOMAN

WIRY Monotony Breaker

Sundays at WIRY (noon till 6:00 eastern time) at www.wiry.com are a continuation of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” and Today’s show will be good.  We’ll be taking a look at the 25th of June  —  and some key things that happened on that date.  Join me if you can.

In the meantime, today’s Monotony Breaker starts w/ some great nostalgia for we baby boomers  —  and continues w/ some other tidbits of interest.  Enjoy. . .

21 Pictures Only Baby Boomers Will Understand

#1:  Cars Were Colorful!  Most cars these days look fairly bland, but in the 50’s, our cars were big, bright, and fun!

 

#2.  We Got Dressed Up for Birthday Parties.  And sometimes there was even a pony there!

#3:  We Played in the Streets:  We didn’t have to text our friends back in the day – we’d all just come outside and get to playing!

 

#4:  Gas Was Very Cheap:  On some days, it was only $0.20 a gallon, and beyond that, the people at the station pumped your gas, washed your window, checked your oil and could also fix just about anything!

 

#5:  Ben Franklin 5-10 Was Everything:  We loved going to these stores.  They had just about anything and everything you could think of.

 

#6:  If it Wasn’t the Ben Franklin, it Was the A&P!

 

#7: Our Skates Got “Locked” with a Key.  They were also made almost entirely of metal and very hard to skate on!

 

#8:  The Drive-In Was The Place to Be:  This 1950’s photo from South Bend, Indiana shows how popular they were!  It got hot in some of those cars.

 

#9:  Car Seats Were More Like Couches:  That’s right – they were big, long, and you could slide all the way across!

 

#10:  The Freezer Actually Had to be DEFROSTED!:  That’s right, every now and then you’d have to manually defrost the freezer – sometimes took all day with a lot of scraping!.

 

#11:  Grandma Let Us Do Everything.  Well, maybe that hasn’t changed so much, but we LOVED licking off the beaters!

 

#12:  Sometimes Your Food Came On Roller Skates!  That’s right – certain restaurants had “roller girls” who would zoom your food out to you and hang it on your window!

 

#13:  We got DOWN at the Sock Hop!  And we dressed up!

 

#14:  Sunday Drives Were A Thing:  That’s right – on Sunday, many of us would load up the family car and just go cruising over to the neighbors or just around town!

#15:  There Was One TV.  And, surprise, we didn’t argue all night about who should get to watch their favorite show.  Most of the time, we all liked the same shows!

 

#16:  The Playgrounds were VERY Different:  At recess, we’d swing from the monkey bars with wild abandon and often stand on the swings and go as high as possible.  And still, we survived!

 

#17:  TV Had “Sign Off” Messages.  Remember these?  TV would go off at midnight and sometimes even go as far as playing the National Anthem all night.

#18: Just One Hula Hoop Wasn’t Enough:  Some of us could do multiple hoops at a time!

 

#19:  We didn’t Text, But We Did Pass Notes!  And we were experts at not getting caught!

 

#20:  We Had Xylophones That We Kept on a Pull String.  That’s right – there was nothing like the Pull a Tune!

 

#21:  We Got Bottled Cokes and Loved Them:    That’s right – no cans or plastic bottles back then.  We were 100% excited when we’d find a cooler like this to get that ice cold bottle!

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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains at North Carolina University in the Smokies. They would often get together to talk shop. One day, someone said that preaching to people isn’t all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. They agreed to go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

 

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

 

Father Flannery, had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.   

“Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. When I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. “That bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. “The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

 

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

 

“So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!”

 

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

 

The Rabbi looked up and said: 

“Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

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and finally. . .

Priest’s Retirement  

You don’t need to be Catholic and go to Confession to appreciate this story. Make sure you “Live by the last line!!!” 

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
 
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
 
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.  He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a STD to his sister-in-law.  I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.  But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
 
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
 
I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.
 

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

 

 

Flag Day Monotony Breaker

 

Most recipients of these Monotony Breakers are well aware of my long-time love for radio.  As such, I think you’ll appreciate the compilation below of old-time radio shows (courtesy of Judah Rosenwald).  It is really something. . .

And speaking or radio  —  I have the pleasure of working at WIRY Wednesday and Thursday night (5 pm till midnight  —  Eastern).  Check it out at  www.wiry.com or locally at 1340 am and 100.7 fm.  

BEFORE TELEVISION, THERE WAS……… THE RADIO ..

Here’s an unbelievable collection of all the old time radio shows.

Find your favorite, click on it, and listen to all the episodes…….

Comedy 
Al Jolson Show
 
Alan Young Show
 
Aldrich Family
 
Alka Seltzer Time
 
Amos & Andy
 
Avalon Time
 
Baby Snooks
 
Bergen & McCarthy
 
Bickersons, The
 
Bing Crosby
 
Bob & Ray
 
Breakfast In Hollywood
 
Bright Star
 
Burns & Allen
 
Cavalcade Of America
 
Command Performance
 
Couple Next Door
 
Curtain Time
 
Danny Kaye Show
 
Dennis Day Show
 
Duffy’s Tavern
 
Easy Aces
 
Father Knows Best
 
Fibber McGee & Molly
 
First Nighter Program
 
Frances Langford Show
 
Fred Allen Show
 
Fred Waring Show
 
Gasoline Alley
 
GI Journal
 
Glenn Miller
 
Goldbergs
 
Great Gildersleeve
 
Guest Star
 
Halls Of Ivy
 
Harold Peary
 
Harry James Show
 
Hollywood Barn Dance
 
It Pays to Be Ignorant
 
Jack Benny
 
Life Of Riley
 
Lum And Abner
 
Mail Call
 
Mayor of the Town
 
Mel Blanc
 
Milton Berle
 
Misadventures Of Si and Elmer
 
My Favorite Husband
 
My Friend Irma
 
Our Miss Brooks
 
Phil Harris & Alice Faye
 
Red Skelton
 
Story Lady, The
 Westerns 
American Trail
 
Cisco Kid, The
 
Fort Laramie
 
Frontier Fighters
 
Frontier Gentleman
 
Frontier Town
 
Gene Autry
 
Gunsmoke
 
Have Gun Will Travel
 
Hopalong Cassidy
 
Horizons West
 
Lone Ranger A
 
Lone Ranger B
 
Roy Rogers Show, The
 
Six Shooter
 
Tales Of The Texas Rangers
Detective 
Barry Craig
 
Boston Blackie
 
Broadway Is My Beat
 
Casey, Crime Photographer
 
Chase, The
 
Crime Classics
 
Crime Club
 
Crime Does Not Pay
 
Danger, Dr. Danfield
 
Dick Tracy
 
Dragnet
 
Falcon, The
 
FBI In War And Peace, The
 
Federal Agent
 
Frank Race
 
Gangbusters
 
Guilty Party
 
I Was A Communist For The FBI
 
Jeff Regan
 
Let George Do It
 
Lineup
 
Mr. District Attorney
 
Mr. Keene, Tracer of Lost Person
 
Nero Wolfe
 
Night Beat
 
Pat Novak
 
Philip Marlowe
 
Saint, The
 
Secrets Of Scotland Yard
 
Sherlock Holmes
 
This Is Your F.B.I
 
Yours Truly Johnny Dollar
 Mystery 
Adventures By Morse
 
Arch Obler’s Plays
 
Beyond Midnight
 
Black Museum
 
Cloak and Dagger
 
Clock, The
 
Creaking Door
 
Dangerous Assignment
 
Dark Fantasy
 
Dark Venture
 
Darkness
 
David Harding Counter Spy
 
Diary of Fate
 
Dimension X
 
Escape
 
Five Minute Mysteries
 
Frankenstein
 
Ghost Corps
 
Green Valley Line
 
Hall Of Fantasy
 
Haunting Hour, The
 
Hermits Cave
 
I Love A Mystery
 
Incredible, But True
 
Inner Sanctum, The
 
Lights Out
 
Macabre
 
Man Called X, The
 
Molle Mystery Theater
 
Mysterious Traveler
 
Mystery In The Air
 
Quiet Please
 
Sealed Book
 
Shadow, The
 
Strange Dr. Weird
 
Suspense
 
Weird Circle
 
Whistler, The
 
Witch’s Tale
 
X Minus One
Drama 
Academy Award Theater
 
Adventure Theater
 
Adventures By Morse
 
Air Adventures Of Jimmy Allen
 
Archie Andrews
 
Audio History
 
Avenger
 
Avengers
 
Big John & Sparky
 
Big Town
 
Bill Sterns Sports Reel
 
Birdseye Open House
 
Blackstone, The Magic Detective
 
Blue Beetle
 
Box 13
 
British Shows 1
 
British Shows 2
 
Campbell Playhouse
 
Captain Midnight
 
Chandu The Magician
 
Chesterfield Chicago Theater Of 

Cinnamon Bear
 
Columbia Workshop
 
Commercials
 
Corsican Brothers
 
Damon Runyon Theater
 
Dangerously Yours
 
Family Theater
 
Fifth Horseman
 
Fighting AAF
 
Fire Fighters
 
Flash Gordon
 
Ford Show Ford Theater
 
Frank Merriwell
 
Future Tense
 
Goon Show, The
 
Grand Hotel Grand Marquee

Hallmark Playhouse
 
Heartbeat Theater
 
Hollywood Star Playhouse
 
Hop Harrigan
 
Horizons West
 
Humphrey Bogart
 
I Love Adventure
 
Information Please
 
Jungle Jim
 
Lets Pretend
 
Little Orphan Annie
 
Lux Radio Theater 465
 
Magic Island
 
Matinee Theater
 
Mercury Summer Theater
 
Mercury Theater
 
Michael Shayne
 
Miscellaneous Music
 
Moon Over Africa
 
Moon River
 
Mr. President
 
Railroad Hour
 
Sears Radio Theater
 
Smilin Ed’s Buster Brown Gang
 
Soap Operas
 
Soldiers of the Press
 
Speed Gibson
 
Sports Thrills
 
Superman
 
Tarzan
 
Treasury Star Parade
 
Treasury Star Salute
 
Vic & Sade
 
World Adventures Club
 
World War II Shows
 
WSJV Complete Broadcast Day
 
Your Army Air Force

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And because I KNOW you like IRONY. . .

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FIVE KINDS OF SEX 


PENSION SEX

Two men were talking.

‘So, how’s your sex life?’

‘Oh, nothing special.  I’m having pension sex.’

‘Pension sex?’

‘Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!’

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, ‘I’ve got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.’

‘My dear,’ the shrink said, ‘that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is..’

‘The problem is,’ she complained, ‘it wakes me up!’

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, ‘How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?’

She glanced at him and replied, ‘You’re never home!’

WOMEN’S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, ‘This will make you happy tonight.’

He was right.  When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.  He couldn’t get back in.

ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, ‘Yes, your honor.  I figured that at 92, if he could have sex …  he could also fly.

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And Finally. . .

Piano lessons

TRUE  STORY…

At the prodding of my friends I am  writing this story.  My name is Mildred Honor. I am a former  elementary school Music Teacher from Des Moines, Iowa.

I have  always supplemented my income by Teaching Piano Lessons…Something  I have done for over 30 years. During those years,   I found that Children have  many levels of musical ability, and even though I have never had the  prodigy, I have taught some very talented students. However, I have  also had my share of what I call ‘Musically Challenged  Pupils.

One such Pupil being Robby. Robby was 11 years old  when his Mother (a Single Mom) dropped him off for his first Piano  Lesson.

I prefer that Students (especially Boys) begin  at  an earlier age, which I explained to Robby.  But  Robby said that it had always been his Mother’s Dream to hear him  play the Piano, so I took him as a Student.

At the end of  each weekly Lesson he would always say ‘My Mom’s going to hear me  Play someday.’  But to me, it seemed hopeless, he just did not  have any Inborn Ability. I only knew his Mother from a distance as  she dropped Robby off or waited in her aged Car to pick him  up.  She always waved and smiled, but never dropped  in.

Then one day Robby stopped coming for his Lessons.   I thought about calling him, but Assumed that because of his lack of  Ability he had decided to pursue something else. I was also glad  that he had stopped coming. He was a Bad Advertisement for my Teaching!

Several Weeks later I mailed a flyer recital to the  Students’ homes. To my surprise, Robby (who had received a flyer)  asked if he could be in the Recital. I told him that the Recital  was for current Pupils and that because he had dropped out, he  really did not Qualify.

He told me that his Mother had been  Sick and Unable to take him to his piano lessons, but that he had  been practicing.  ‘Please Miss Honor, I’ve just got to Play,’  he insisted. I don’t know what led me to allow him to play in the  Recital – perhaps it was his insistence or maybe something inside of  me saying that it would be all right.

The night of the  Recital came and the high school gymnasium was packed with Parents,  Relatives and Friends. I put Robby last in the Program, just before  I was to come up and thank all the Students and Play a finishing  piece. I thought that any damage he might do would come at the end  of the Program and I could always salvage his poor performance  through my ‘Curtain Closer’.

Well, the Recital went off  without a Hitch, the Students had been Practicing and it Showed.  Then Robby came up on the stage. His Clothes were Wrinkled and his  Hair looked as though he had run an egg beater through it. ‘Why  wasn’t he dressed up like the other Students?’ I thought. ‘Why  didn’t his Mother at least make him Comb his Hair for this Special  Night?’

Robby pulled out the Piano bench, and I was Surprised  when he announced that he had chosen to play Mozart’s Concerto No.21  in C Major.  I was not prepared for what I heard next.   His fingers were light on the keys, they even danced nimbly on the  Ivories.  He went from Pianissimo to Fortissimo, from Allegro  to Virtuoso; his Suspended Chords that Mozart demands were  Magnificent!  Never had I heard Mozart played so well by anyone  his age.

After six and a half minutes, he ended in a Grand  Crescendo, and everyone was on their feet in Wild Applause!!!  Overcome and in Tears, I ran up on stage and put my arms around  Robby in Joy.

‘I have never heard you Play like that Robby,  how did you do it?  Through the Microphone Robby explained:  ‘Well, Miss Honor, Remember I told you that my Mom was sick?   Well, she actually had Cancer and Passed Away this Morning. And  well… she was  Born Deaf, so tonight was the first time she  had ever heard me Play, and I wanted to make it  Special.’

There wasn’t a Dry Eye in the house that  evening.  As People from Social Services led Robby from the  stage to be placed in to Foster Care, I noticed that even their Eyes  were red and Puffy.  I thought to myself then how much Richer  my Life had been for taking Robby as my Pupil.

No, I have  never had a Prodigy, but that night I became a Prodigy…  of Robby. He was the Teacher and I was the Pupil, for he had  taught me the meaning of Perseverance and Love and Believing in  Yourself, and may be even taking a chance on someone and you didn’t  know why.

Robby was Killed years later in the Senseless  Bombing of the Alfred P.Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City  in April, 1995.

Will the CSUF Titans advance to the World Series. . .

Only time will tell  —  but they’re certainly motivated after evening up the SuperRegional Series w/ Long Beach.  Tune in to ESPN Sunday to cheer them on to victory.

And if you’re not into Collegiate Baseball  —  beginning at Noon Eastern  —  and continuing till 6:00 pm  —  I’ll be “playing DJ” at WIRY once again  —  and this time, featuring the top 40 “Novelty Tunes” of the Rock Era.  I am certain that some of these will be great songs that you’ve not heard in years  —  so check it out at www.wiry.com and enjoy a bit of “rock history.”

In the meantime  on with today’s Monotony Breaker. . .

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You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where

1.  You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2.  You’ve experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3.  You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4.  You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5.  You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6.  The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

 OR

 You can retire to California where…

1.  You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2.  The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3.  You know how to eat an artichoke.
4.  When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

5.  The four seasons are:  Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

 OR

 You can retire to New York City where…

1   You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2.  You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3.  You think Central Park is “nature.”
4.  You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5.  You’ve worn out a car horn.  (IF you have a car.)
6.  You think eye contact is an act of aggression

 OR

 You can retire to Wisconsin  where…

1.  You only have three spices:  salt, pepper and ketchup.
2.  Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3.  You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4.  Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5.  The four seasons are:  almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6.  The highest level of criticism is “He is different,”  “She is different,” or “It was different!”

7.  A five foot blonde who weighs 180 lbs is considered anorexic.

 OR

 You can retire to The Deep South where…

1.  You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2  “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3.  “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4.  Everyone has two first names:  Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5.  Everything is either:  “in yonder,”  “over yonder”  or “out yonder.

6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end!

 OR

 You can move to Colorado where…

1.  You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2.  You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3.  A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4.  The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
 

 OR

 You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where…(this could apply to Wisconsin also) 

1.  You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2.  Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3.  You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4.  You end sentences with a preposition;  “Where’s my coat at?”
 


OR

 FINALLY you can retire to Florida where…

1.  You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2.  All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3.  Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4.  Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5.  Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

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Burma Shave

 

 


For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs,
Here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930’s and ’40’s.
Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads,
Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers’ fields.
They were small red signs with white letters.
Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each contain 1 line of a 4 line couplet…..
And the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.


DON’T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave

TRAINS DON’T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
‘CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER’S LAP

Burma Shave 

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT

Burma Shave 

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET’S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET’S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE

Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN’T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN’
HE’S JUST HOPIN’
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT’S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT’S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER’S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING

Burma Shave 

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

HE SAW THE TRAIN
AND TRIED TO DUCK IT 

HE KICKED THE GAS 
AND THEN THE BUCKET !!

Burma Shave

A MAN  A MISS,

A CAR  A CURVE,

HE KISSED THE MISS,

AND MISSED THE CURVE,

BURMA SHAVE

Do these bring back any old memories ?
If not, you’re merely young!!!
If they do – then you’re old as dirt. LIKE ME!

Have a great day!

 

 

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When I die, bury me on the golf course, so my husband will visit.

  Author Unknown

I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced.

Author Unknown

I’ve spent most of my life golfing. The rest I’ve just wasted.

Author Unknown

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.

Raymond Floyd

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.

Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!!!)

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.

Jim Bishop

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.

Hank Aaron
 

 Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five.

Paul Harvey

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Jack Benny

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Al Boliska

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

Billy Graham

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.

Ben Hogan

If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

Jack Lemmon

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

Mark Twain

Don’t play too much golf…Two rounds a day are plenty.

Harry Vardon

Golf is a game in which one endeavours to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.

Woodrow Wilson

A golfer’s diet: live on greens as much as possible.

Author Unknown

Gone golfin’ … be back about dark thirty.

Author Unknown

Born to golf. Forced to work.

Author Unknown

My body is here, but my mind has already teed off .

Author Unknown

May thy ball lie in green pastures … and not in still waters.

Author Unknown

If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle.

Author Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.

George Deukmejian

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of bagpipes.

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Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.”

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior
I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Diary:

A two-foot putt.. Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

“Oldies w/ the Old Guy” meets WIRY.com

Yes it’s true  —  beginning this Sunday at Noon (Eastern) thru 6:00 PM  —  on WIRY, Plattsburgh, NY  —  I’ll be “spinning records” in the style of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” (though I may or may not call it that) and sharing w/ you guys and WIRY listeners what has become somewhat of a passion for me  —  i.e. “live radio.”  Yes WIRY’s need for a Sunday afternoon “jock” and my “interest” in radio have blended to make Sunday afternoons “a lot of fun.”  Check it out  —  at www.wiry.com (or locally at 1340 am or 100.7 fm).

In the meantime, today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ some thoughts on Senior Housing  —  and how to make the most of it  —  and continues w/ a few other tidbits of “entertainment.”  Enjoy. . .

 

No nursing home for us.  We’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!


With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble

I’ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.

For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $59.23 per night.

Breakfast is included, and some have happy

hours in the afternoon.

That leaves  $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want,  and/or room service, laundry,

gratuities and special TV movies.  And don’t forget the maid comes every day!

Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room,

a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.

Most have free toothpaste and razors, and

all have free shampoo and soap.


$5 worth of tips a day you’ll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

They treat you like a customer, not a patient.

There’s a city bus stop out front, and

seniors ride free.

The handicap bus will also pick you up

(if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

 For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.

While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere.  

Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.


It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.

And you’re not stuck in one place forever — you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

Want to see  Hawaii  ?  They have Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken?  Light bulbs need changing?  

Need a mattress replaced?  No problem.. They fix everything,  and apologize for the inconvenience.


The  Inn  has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok.  If not, they’ll call an ambulance . . or the undertaker.

If you fall and break a hip,

Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will

upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. 

    


And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.


The grandkids can use the pool.

        What more could I ask for?


So, when I reach that golden age, I’ll face it with a grin.

AIDS WARNING!


To all of  you approaching 60 or have REACHED 60 and past,  this  email is especially for you……

SENIOR  CITIZENS   
ARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!


HEARING  AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL  AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT  AIDS

MOST OF ALL,   

MONETARY  AID TO THEIR KIDS! 




I’m  only sending this to my ‘old’ friends.  
 

I love to see you smile.

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The story begins with a cop who pulls over a lady after she catches her driving too slowly

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

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Golf …..AND WHAT IT ALL  MEANS

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.  
                                                             
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up.  You swing left and the ball goes right.  The lowest score wins, on top of that, the  winner buys the drinks. 

Golf
 is harder than baseball.  In Golf, you have to play your foul balls. 

If you find you do not mind playing Golf  in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip …your life is in  trouble.

Golf
ers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot. 

A ‘gimme‘ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers …neither of whom can putt very well. 

An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.  

Golf
‘s a hard game to figure.  One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green.  The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink. 

If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game.  

Golf
 is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you. 


Golf
 is like marriage.  If you  take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive. 

The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil with an eraser.

                                                                                      
David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons  Why Golf Is  Better Than Sex…

#10
… A below par performance is considered damn good.

#09… You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08…  It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07…  Foursomes are encouraged.
#06… You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05… Three times a day is possible.
#04… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03… If you  live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#02… You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
And the NUMBER ONEreason why golf is better than  sex…..
#01… When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

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And finally  —  something about this “quiz” seems that there may be some substance to it  —  that is is you are completely candid in answering the dozen questions or so.  Should that be the case  —  I’m looking forward to the age of 92 as my departure date.  Check it out and see what you think???

Subject:  HOW MANY YEARS DO YOU HAVE LEFT?!

Watch your age in the upper right corner!

Sort of  fun to watch your age go up and down as you answer the questions.

Now this is interesting, give it a try….

How long will you live? This is a calculator that estimates your life expectancy.

It was developed by Northwestern Mutual Life. It’s interesting that there are only 13 questions. Yet, they can predict how long you’re likely to live.

http://media.nmfn.com/ tnetwork/lifespan

 

 

“Sunday of Solid Gold” Monotony Breaker

I am EXTREMELY pleased to be back in NYS — and especially this weekend as I get to host the “Sunday of Sold Gold” at WIRY in Plattsburgh Sunday morning from 5 am till noon. And you can join me no matter where you might be at www.wiry.com or locally at 1340 AM or 100.7 FM. Its a very special show that will feature “Story Songs” from A to Z — and to make it even better — we’ll be playing the “Snippit” game between 9 am and noon where you can call in to identify either the title or artist of a given song — and be entered to win a CD as a prize.

It will be a lot of fun for sure — and I REALLY hope you’ll be able to join me for at least a portion of the show. I think you might like what you hear and as always — don’t hesitate to let me know what you think. . .

And oh yes  —  today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ a bit of “Country Philosophy” that hits pretty close to the mark. . .

Life from the seat of a tractor.
An old Farmer’s Words of Wisdom we could all live by…….
 

“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…….not yelled.”

“Meanness don’t just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”


“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”


“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain’t never gonna happen anyway.” 


“Don’t judge folks by their relatives. 


“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”


“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.


“Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.”


“Timin’ has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got

“The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.”

“If you  get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.”

“Live simply, love generously , care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”


“Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill  you.”

And, finally…………………. ………………  

 

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A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.

“Mister,” he said, “I want to buy one of your puppies.”

“Well,” said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, “These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.”

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.

“I’ve got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?”

“Sure,” said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. “Here, Dolly!” he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.

Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up…

“I want that one,” the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy’s side and said, “Son, you don’t want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.”

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, “You see sir, I don’t run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands.”

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.

“How much?” asked the little boy…

“No charge,” answered the farmer, “There’s no charge for love.”

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Talk about incredible TV ads???

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And Finally. . .

Parenting in The Wilderness

Most of these Shots seem near Impossible to Get,

Yet this Photographer Got Em.

Awesome Pix

“I am thankful for small mercies.  I compared notes with one of my friends who expects everything of the universe, and is disappointed when anything is less than the best, and I found that I begin at the other extreme, expecting nothing, and am always full of thanks for moderate goods.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson