Tuesday Mini-Monotony Breaker

Tuesday Morning’s “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” show experienced some technical difficulties  —  but it was recorded and is available for your listening pleasure with a simple click. https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-02-21-17-love-1968-1984/ (it’s really good???)

In the meantime  —  today’s Mini MB includes some amazing

“map facts”  —  and a couple “cuties”.  Enjoy. . .

1.This map shows the world divided into 7 sections (each with distinct color) each section containing 1 billion people.

  1. This map shows (in white) where98 percent of Australia ‘s entire population lives.
    3.
  2. It may not come as a surprise but more people live inside the circle than outside of it
  3. .
    4. This map shows what is on the other side of the world from where you’re standing.  For the most part it’s water.
    5. Apparently you can’t get Big Macs everywhere.  This map shows (in red) the countries that have McDonalds.
    6. This map shows the countries (in blue) where people drive on the left side of the road
  4. .
    7. This map shows countries (in white) that England has never invaded.  There are only 22.  (In the WORLD!)
    8. The line on this map shows all of the world’s Internet connections in 1969.

    9. This map shows the countries that heavily restricted Internet access in 2013.


    10. This map shows (in red) countries that were all Communist at one point in time.


    11. This map shows (in red) the countries that don’t use the metric system.


    12. This map shows (in blue) places where Google street view is available.


    13. This map shows (in green) all the landlocked countries of the world.

    14. And this is what the world would look like if all the countries with coast lines sank.

    15. This is a map of the all the rivers in the United States .


    16. And these are all the rivers that feed into the Mississippi River .

    17. This is a map of the highest paid public employees in the U. S.  (Quite telling as to what our ‘priorities’ are.)

  1. This map shows how much space the United States would occupy on the moon.

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Blonds strike back at the male gender. . .

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”

He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”

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A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.

“No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”

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A blonde man is in jail; the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.

“Hanging myself”, the blonde replies.

“The rope should be around your neck” says the guard.

“I tried that”, he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”

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A friend told the blonde man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”

The blonde man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

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Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”

The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said:  “Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex.  The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”

To which the blonde man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you, because I wasn’t even at home Yesterday!!!

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And finally. . .

LEARNING TO CUSS 
  

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. 
The 6 year old asks, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss.”
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. 
The 6 year old continues,”When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.” 
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. 

 

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!” 
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

Birthday Monotony Breaker

With a “big” birthday coming up in a few days, I thought that today’s Monotony Breaker should be “special”  —  and it is.  Dogs have long been known as “Man’s Best Friend”  —  but did you know they were so smart???  This is followed by some “simple truths”  —  and ends w/ some of the absolute “best” photos you have ever seen.

And this reminder that Tuesday Morning’s “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” (11:00 am Eastern; 8:00 am Pacific) is a continuation of last week’s “Love” Theme  —  this time featuring songs recorded between 1968 and 1984.  Check it out at www.titanradio.org   — (or the “ifullerton” app on your smartphone) and remember  —  you can find 60+ “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” show at www.mixcloud.com.  Just type    billdickerson   (no space between the first and last name) and then click on the show of your choice  —  and by all means  —  let me know what you think.

And now  —  today’s Monotony Breaker. . .

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SIMPLE  TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.
  
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say “Congrats”.
But, none of them touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.
  
 
FIVE OTHER SIMPLE  TRUTHS:
 
1.  Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Bentley than on a bicycle.
  
2.  Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.
  
3.  If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
  
4.  Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
  
5.  Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
  
Bonus Truth:
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

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ARE YOU A PILOT?  I THOUGHT I WAS…

  

You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it

 

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

Are you a real pilot?

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

 

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’ 

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:

“Are you a real pilot?”

 

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

 

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 And Finally. . .

  1. Cracking the Surface, Lake Baikal

Photographer Alexey Trofimov, captured quite an unusual picture of the ice, here.
He writes that the ‘ice on Lake Baikal is a very interesting phenomenon.’

  1. The Village, Hungary

This photograph was taken by Gabor Dvornik, who lives half a mile from The Village,
which is set on a natural reserve in Sződliget Hungary.
While the air in this place is special every season, it is especially rare to have a nice, mist day.
‘It was utterly ghostly and very moody out there’ he writes.

  1. When Penguins Attack, Antarctica

Captured with a GoPro on Antarctica’s sea ice. The photographer, Clinton Berry had studied the movements of the penguins for weeks.
The day that this shot was taken, there were over 60 penguins and Berry says that there was a bit of luck involved too.

  1. Against the Wind, Canada

In this shot, photographed by Domnic Roy, a snowy owl appears to be fighting against the elements
during extreme weather conditions near Quebec City, Canada.

  1. Something’s Fishy, British Colombia Coast, Canada

Photographed by Ian McAllister using an underwater housing, this shot captures an intimate portrait
of a wolf wading through the inter-tidal zone on the British Colombia coast in Canada.
The wolf took a break from eating herring roe to investigate the photographer’s half-submerged camera.

  1. Who’s There?

While taking this photo, Cezary Wyszynski imagined this mouse thinking ‘Who was knocking at my door?’

  1. Falls in Autumn, Plitivice Lakes National Park, Croatia

This is the country’s oldest and largest National Park, which boasts 16 terraced lakes, formed by
natural travertine dams that change color throughout the day. This photo was taken by Vedrana Tafra.

  1. Bioluminous Larak, Iran 

This shot was taken along the shore of Larak, Iran – an island in the Persian Gulf.
‘The magical lights of the Plankton enchanted me so that I snapped the shot,’ Pooyan Shadpoor says.

  1. Mother of the Forest, Madagascar

The boabab trees on Madagascar are 800 years old. They are home to snakes, bats, bush babies, bees and at times,
humans. The trees are an important source of water – once can store up to 4,000 liters of water in its trunk.

  1. Fox Found, Gran Paradiso National Park, Italy

Gran Paradiso National Park, was once a royal hunting retreat. Here, a red fox lies in wait, camouflaged
by the autumn woods. This photo was captured by Stefano Unterthiner.

  1. Dancing with the Moon, Iceland

The vivid beams of light are a result of collisions between charged particles released from the sun’s
atmosphere and gaseous particles in Earth’s atmosphere. This shot was captured by Andrew George.

  1. Winter White, Gran Paradiso National Park, Italy

Another great shot taken at Italy’s Gran Paradiso National Park by Stefano Unterthiner.
Among the wildlife inhabiting this pare are ibex, chamois, red foxes and ermines).

  1. Big Baby, Tonga

This young humpback whale was captured in the waters off Tonga. Karim Iliya writes that she ‘could not help
but wave and smile at the newborn whale almost three times my length.’
Curiosity got the better of it and emerging from under its mother’s fin,
it swam toward me, approaching less than 30 centimeters (11 inches).

  1. Bird Feeders, China

Abderazak Tissoukai was near Xingping in China’s Guanxi region when he took this shot – a cormorant fisherman at sunset.
‘Xingping is definitely one of the most beautiful places in China, with its scenic karst landscapes, and it traditional and genuine people,’ he writes.

  1. Kit Friendly, Estonia

This kit fox appears to be weighing the presence of Kalmer Lehepuu’s camera lens.
He writes that ‘on one beautiful evening, the mother went to get food and left the kits on their own.’

  1. Shining Through, Apostle Islands, National Lakeshore, Wisconsin

This shot, taken by Ernie Vater, captures the setting sun shining the rough ice on the shore of a frozen Lake Superior.
Part of the beauty of this place is its silence. Vater writes ‘you hear nothing except for the occasional creaking of the ice’.

  1. Yellow Jellies, Rock Islands of Palau

These golden jellyfish are harmless to humans, they spend much of their time following the sun as it moves across the sky.
Sunlight for these jellyfish is essential. Captured by Ciemon Frank Caballes.

  1. All the Fish in the Sea, Cabo Pulmo

‘This is what our oceans should look like’, Jeff Hester, who captured this shot says. But Cabo Pulmo,
a marine park off Mexico’s Baja California, hadn’t always been this way.

  1. Imperial Blossoms, Japan

These weeping cherry tree blooms, were captured on the grounds of the Imperial Palace in Kyoto, Japan.
They typically bloom in late March and early April. This photo was taken by Yukio Miki.

  1. Hull-o, Caribbean Island of Bonaire

This photo shows a diver gazing at Hilma Hooker, a cargo ship purposely sunk off the Caribbean island of Bonaire –
a popular destination for scuba divers. This photo was taken by Marc Henauer.

                   

Valentine’s Mini MB

For those who may have missed Tuesday’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy”  —  it features some great songs w/ “Love” in the title  —  but not the songs that you hear all the time.  Check it out at https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-02-14-17-love-1957-1967/   and let me know what you think.

In the meantime, with the East Coast still blanketed in Snow  —  Today’s Mini Monotony Breaker is also pretty special.  Enjoy. . .

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1. Law of Mechanical Repair 
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.2. Law of Gravity 
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.3. Law of Probability  
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers 
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law  
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath  
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result 
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics 
 The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law 
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy’s Law of Lockers 
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument 
Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance 
If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking 
— A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- 
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors’ Law 
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

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And finally, w/ the recent meeting between President Trump and Prime Minister Trudeau  —  some reminders of just how great (and creative) our neighbors to the North can be might be in order. . .

Valentine’s Day Monotony Breaker

Been a while since the last Monotony Breaker  —  as no radio shows to promote since mid-December.  However, I think you might agree that it was worth the wait.

This week’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy”  because it takes place on Valentine’s Day  —  features songs from the years 1957 to 1967 that include the word “Love” in the title.  Not necessarily the “biggest” hits (like the Beatles and the Supremes) but the “best” songs  —  in yours truly’s humble opinion.  Check it out at www.titanradio.org Tuesday morning at 11:00 am Eastern (8:00 am Pacific).

In the meantime, w/ all the snow that has been pelting the Eastern portions of North America  —  check out the Joy of living in Canada –

Curling in Montreal

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Finally  —  a clear explanation as to why there are more Men than there are Women. . .

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Some sophisticated observations offered by our sports heroes.

 

Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboys Quarterback once said : “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.”

 

“Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road.  My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.”– Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

 

“Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.”– Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver.

 

“I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.”– Doug Sanders, professional golfer

 

“All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'”– Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher

 

“When it’s third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.”– Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

 

“I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad I’m having them.”– Tommy LaSorda , L A Dodgers manager

 

“My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.”– E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

 

“My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.”– Vic Braden, tennis instructor

 

“When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did, but unfortunately it was Mrs. Koufax’s.”– Tommy John , N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery

 

“I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.”– Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles.

 

“We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.”

– John Breen, Houston Oilers

 

“The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.”– Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons.

 

When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.”– Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher

 

“I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.”– Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner.

 

“Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.”– Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.

 

“I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.”– Lou Holtz , Arkansas football coach

 

“I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.”– Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game

 

“I tell him “Attaway to hit, George.”– Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting.

 

“I learned a long time ago that ‘minor surgery’ is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.”– Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers

 

“Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.”– George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.

 

“The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.”– Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach

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And finally. . .

The Candy With The Little Hole
This should make you smile.
You have to love little kids.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red………………..Cherry
Yellow…………….Lemon
Green………………Lime
Orange …………..Orange

 

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.  None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, “I will give you all a clue.  It’s what your
mother may sometimes call your father.”

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, “Oh my God!  They’re ass-holes!”

 

The teacher had to leave the room.

Holiday Countdown Mini-MB

For those of you who tried to “listen live” to this morning’s “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” —  THANK YOU for trying.  As you discovered, a Scheduled Fire Drill at Cal State Fullerton took precedence over EVERYthing  —  including this weekly trip down memory lane.  However, modern technology abounds at the university and the entire show was successfully recorded and uploaded to Mixcloud for your listening pleasure.  Check it out at 

https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-12-12-16-holiday-countdown/  

 

In the meantime  —  today’s Mini-Monotony Breaker begins with an entertaining look at the aging process. . .

 

Cartoons For Old Geezers &  Geezerettes! 

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Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.

(Winston Churchill loved them).

  1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you … but it’s still on my list.

  1. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  1. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

  1. We never really grow up — we only learn how to act in public.

  1. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

  1. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  1. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

  1. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

  1. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify… ” I answered ” a doctor.”

  1. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

  1. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

  1. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

  1. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

  1. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

  1. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

  1. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

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And Finally a case of “hard of hearing” w/ surprising results. . .

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

A female student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: “Are- My – Test – Results – Back?”

Holiday Monotony Breaker

The twelve days of Christmas have begun  —  and as such  —  its only appropriate that Monday’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” take a look at the “best of the best” in terms of Holiday Music.  Be sure to check it out at www.titanradio.org  at 8:00 am Pacific (11:00 am Eastern) or at the “ifullerton” app on your smartphone.

In the meantime, today’s MB begins w/ some signs that will not only make you think  —  but also elicit a number of smiles  —  and continues w/ other entertaining bits designed to brighten your day.  Enjoy. . .

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(Is there a golf course near your backyard?)

 

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

 “Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’ So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’ 

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays!!!” 

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Everyone knows that Dogs are “Man’s Best Friend”  —  and among the smartest of our 4-legged friends  —  but did you know HOW smart???

Mini-Monotony Breaker (Prohibition Anniv.)

Monday’s “Oldies with the Old Guy” celebrating the anniversary of the end of Prohibition has been uploaded to Mixcloud and is available by merely clicking on the following link:

 https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-12-5-16-prohibition/

I dare say you will find an interesting collection of songs that will trigger some nice memories.  Enjoy. . .  (and, of course, don’t forget that you can go to www.mixcloud.com at any time  —  type “billdickerson” (no space) in the search box and choose from nearly 70 such shows).

 

In the meantime  —  today’s Mini-Monotony Breaker. . .

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A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, We discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that Said:

Scroll Down…You’ll love this …..

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‘You’ve got Male!

 

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Male logic… flawless

This a conversation between a man and his wife.

Please note that she asks five or six questions which

he answered quite simply,

but then she is speechless after answering only one

question. l bet this happens more often than not to

most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink  wine?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many glasses a day?

Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per glass?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets

scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 40-50 years, I suppose

Woman: So a wine costs $5 and you have three

glasses a day which puts your spending each

month at $450. In one year, it would be

approximately $5400 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting

for inflation, the past 50 years puts your spending at

$270,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much

wine, that money could have been put in a step-up

interest savings account and after accounting for

compound interest for the past 50 years, you now could

have bought a new sailboat and an jet airplane?

Man: Do you drink wine?

Woman: No.

Man: Where is your sailboat and an airplane?

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And finally  —  an interesting observation from

an Irish Art Gallery

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband

and wife were staring at the portrait that had them

completely confused.  The painting depicted

three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. 

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in

the middle had a pink penis.  The curator of the

gallery realized that they were having trouble

interpreting the painting and offered his personal

assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how

it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans

in a predominately white, patriarchal society. “In fact”,

he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the

pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary

society”.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the

couple and said, “Would you like to know what the

painting is really about?”  “Now why would you claim

to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery”,

asked the couple?  “Because I am the artist, who painted

the picture,” he replied. “In fact, there are no African

Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal

miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.”

 

 

Prohibition Monotony Breaker

Today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ some interesting “takes on life”  —  and continues w/ some entertaining bits of humor that I know you will love.

Also this reminder  —  Monday December 5th is the 83rd Anniversary of the “End of Prohibition.”  As such  —  Monday’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” will celebrate this momentous occasion.  Check it out at www.titanradio.org or the “ifullerton” app on your smart phone at 8:00 am Pacific (11:00 am Eastern).

These are pretty clever. Don’t rush. Study each picture (there are 11 of them).  Stop at each picture and try to determine what it represents. The answer is just below the photo BUT don’t look until you’ve guessed.

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eggplant

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Doctor  Pepper

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A pool  table

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Tap dancers

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A Card  Shark

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An I  Pod

 

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Gator-Aide

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A Knight  mare

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Whole  Milk

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This is something to see.  YOU REALLY DO HAVE TO WATCH THE VIDEO.  Italian Auction – only 44 seconds!  You don’t have to understand Italian to follow the auctioneer:  A Chinese Ming Vase is up for auction. The bidding opens at a half-million Euros.  Bidding is brisk and each bidder is clearly identified as each raises the bid by 100,000 Euros. (The exchange rate at auction time was 1 Euro =$1.12.) Within seconds, the bid stalls at One million Euros, and the gasp from the crowd identifies the excitement that prevails in the room. The successful bidder is the last one who bid  one million, and the auctioneer counts down the bid, “Going once, going twice, and sold to the gentleman sitting in front of me for one million Euros.  Now, you are going to have to see the video for yourself.  The auctioneer is exuberant.  The pace is fast.  This is how an auction should be run.  Please note the excitement on the auctioneer’s face after the final bid:  http://www.youtube.com/embed/ 3e0yZCLjwfU?rel=0>

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SEENAGER

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.

I don’t have to go to school or work

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don’t have a curfew.

I have a driver’s license and my own car.

I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store.

I like the wine store best.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. They aren’t scared of anything. They have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?

And I don’t have acne.

Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.  People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains.

Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.  It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.

So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too.

 

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Jet wash in the morning mist

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Unusual cloud. Now we know how to look like angels

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Ice cave, illuminated by a torch

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Ladybug in the morning dew

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Cloud: incredible picture

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Rain over Ravninoi – view from the airplane

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One in a million

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The tsunami of clouds

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A magical place in Austria – Grer See

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A rare and wonderful atmospheric phenomenon – “fire rainbow”

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This optical effect in the atmosphere, manifested in the appearance of a horizontal rainbow, localized on a background of light, high cirrus clouds are located.

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Rainbow refraction of light in water droplets

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Morskoi sand under a microscope with a 300-fold increase

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Splash – from a stone thrown into the water during sunset

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The view from the height of 8000 meters

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The crystal clear ice of Lake Baikal

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Lavender fields. Dawn. Imagine the aroma …

 

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And Finally  —  some interesting quotes to restore your sanity. . .

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just  up and read this again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius.

Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

–Mariah Carey

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“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

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“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”

–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”

–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”

–A congressional candidate in Texas ..

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“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”

–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it..”

–Al Gore, Vice President

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“I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ..”

— Dan Quayle

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“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”

–Lee Iacocca

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“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”

— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”

–Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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“Traditionally, most of Australia ‘s imports come from overseas.”

–Keppel Enderbery

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“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”

–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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Feeling smarter yet?

Send it on to
Your brilliant friends.

I just did !!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WIRY Mini-Monotony Breaker

A quick note that this week’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” has been uploaded to Mixcloud  —  and is available by clicking below. (but then scroll down for a great Monotony Breaker. . .)

Check it out and let me know what you think.   In the meantime  —  a “Mini-Monotony Breaker” to liven up your day.  Enjoy. . .

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Interesting photos to make you think. . .

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The Haircut

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’  The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said: “BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!”

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And Finally  —  A Collection Of Odd And Fascinating Photos

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Mother and son watch the mushroom cloud after an atomic test 75 miles away,  Las Vegas 1953.

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Illegal alcohol being poured out during Prohibition,
Detroit 1929.

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The Ford Theater where Abraham Lincoln was assassinated.

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Children eating Christmas dinner during the Great Depression:
turnips and cabbage.

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Annette Kellerman wears a fitted one-piece bathing suit in 1907.

She was arrested for indecency.

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The original Ronald clown of McDonalds — 1963.

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Apollo I crew members rehearsing their water landing in 1966.

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President Richard Nixon trying to use chopsticks while visiting China in 1972.

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Construction of the Manhattan Bridge 1908.

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Construction of the Berlin wall 1961.

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Hitler’s officers and cadets celebrating Christmas in 1941.

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Abraham Lincoln’s hearse 1865.

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Frozen Niagara Falls — 1911.

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Last prisoners of Alcatraz leaving 1963.

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A penniless mother hides her face in shame after putting her children up for sale,
Chicago 1948.

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Recovering bodies after the Titanic disaster, April 1912.

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23 year-old Evelyn McHale leapt to her death from an observation deck (83rd floor) of the Empire State Building , May 1, 1947.
She landed on a United Nations limousine.

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Melted and damaged mannequins after a fire at Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum
in London 1930.

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New York City fire station, ca. 1912.

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Operation Babylift:
Vietnamese orphans
 transported by airplanes to America in 1975.

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Santa Claus in New York, ca. 1900.

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At 5 p.m., on September 3, 1967
Sweden changed
 from driving on the left side to the right.

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Unpacking the Head of the Statue of Liberty.
Delivered June 17, 1885.

 

 

Post Thanksgiving Monotony Breaker

I trust that your Thanksgiving Holidays were bountiful and filled w/ joy  —  and to keep the good times rolling  —  Today’s Monotony Breaker begins w/ some fascinating road signs  —  and continues w/ some other “bits” that I believe you may enjoy.

Also  —  a quick reminder that this week’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” gets underway Monday Morning at 8:00 am Pacific (11:00 am Eastern) at “Titanradio.org” (or the “ifullerton” app on your smartphone).  The theme for the week is “Songs from the WIRY Playlist”   —  some of which I may not have heard had I not had the privilege of working at this great radio station in Plattsburgh, NY this past Summer.  Check it out  —  for some GREAT Songs. . .

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ANOTHER CHAPTER OF “THEY WALK AMONG US AND REPRODUCE!!

Actual call center conversations!

Customer:     ‘I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through;
                         can you help?’
Operator:      ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’
Customer:     ‘It’s on the door of your business.’
Operator:     ‘Sir, those are the hours that we are open.’

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Samsung Electronics
Caller:          ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’
Operator:     ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’
Caller:          ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that    
                      I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and  
                      telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
                      number for Jack?’
Operator:      ‘I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.’

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RAC Motoring Services
Caller:         ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
                     traveling in Australia ?’
Operator:   ‘Does the policy name give you a clue?’

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
‘If I register my car in France , and then take it to England ,
do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’ 

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Directory Enquiries
Caller:  ‘I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?’
Caller: ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off.’ 

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        ‘Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller:             ‘Yes.. That’s what it says on the label — Woven in Scotland …’

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: ‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on.’

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Tech Support:      ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.’
Customer:             ‘OK..’
Tech Support:      ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’
Customer:             ‘No.’
Tech Support:      ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer:             ‘No.’
Tech Support:      ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’
Customer:            ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.’ 

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Tech Support:      ‘OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
                                you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’

Customer:             ‘Wow! How can you see my screen from there?’

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Caller:  ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.
So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?’

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An Arkansas Farmer!

A video of a father giving his tractor-driving and tobacco-chewing daughter away in marriage.

www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/eqEkPjUbmIA?rel=0

Left me laughing and crying all at the same time. If I were that preacher, I would keep my remarks minimal as that father said it all.

 

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Some timely advice from the Mayo Clinic. . .

MAYO CLINIC – DRINKING WATER
A cardiologist determined that heart attacks can be triggered by dehydration.

Good Thing To Know. From The Mayo Clinic. How many folks do you know who say they don’t want to drink anything before going to bed because they’ll have to get up during the night?

Heart Attack  and Water – Drinking one glass of water before going to bed avoids stroke or heart attack.   Interesting…….


Something else I didn’t know … I asked my Doctor why people need to urinate so much at night time.

Answer from my Cardiac Doctor:  Gravity holds water in the lower part of your body when you are upright (legs swell). When you lie down and the lower body (legs and etc) seeks level with the kidneys, it is then that the kidneys remove the water because it is easier. I knew you need your minimum water to help flush the toxins out of your body, but this was news to me.


Correct time to drink water… Very Important. From A Cardiac Specialist!

Drinking water at a certain time maximizes its effectiveness on the body:

  • 2 glasses of water after waking up – helps activate internal organs

  • 1 glass of water 30 minutes before a meal – helps digestion

  • 1 glass of water before taking a bath – helps lower blood pressure

  • 1 glass of water before going to bed – avoids stroke or heart attack

I can also add to this… My Physician told me that water at bed time will also help prevent night time leg cramps. Your leg muscles are seeking hydration when they cramp and wake you up with a Charlie Horse.

Mayo Clinic on Aspirin – Dr. Virend Somers is a Cardiologist from the Mayo Clinic who is the lead author of the report in the July 29, 2008 issue of the Journal of the American College of Cardiology.

 

Most heart attacks occur in the day, generally between 6 A.M. and noon. Having one during the night, When the heart should be most at rest, means that something unusual happened. Somers and his colleagues have been working for a decade to show that sleep apnea is to blame.

  1. If you take an aspirin or a baby aspirin once a day, take it at night.

The Reason:  Aspirin has a 24-hour “half-life”; therefore, if most heart attacks happen in the wee hours of the morning, the Aspirin would be strongest in your system.

  1. Aspirin lasts a really long time in your medicine chest; for years. (when it gets old, it smells like vinegar).

Please read on.

Something that we can do to help ourselves – nice to know.  Bayer is making crystal aspirin to dissolve instantly on the tongue. They work much faster than the tablets.

Why keep Aspirin by your bedside? It’s about Heart Attacks – There are other symptoms of a heart attack, besides the pain on the left arm. One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well as nausea and lots of sweating; however, these symptoms may also occur less frequently.

Note: There may be NO pain in the chest during a heart attack.

The majority of people (about 60%) who had a heart attack during their sleep did not wake up. However, if it occurs, the chest pain may wake you up from your deep sleep. If that happens, immediately dissolve two aspirins in your mouth and swallow them with a bit of water.

Afterwards: – Call 911. – Phone a neighbor or a family member who lives very close by. Say “heart attack!” – Say that you have taken 2 Aspirins. – Take a seat on a chair or sofa near the front door, and wait for their arrival and ……..DO NOT LIE DOWN!

A Cardiologist has stated that if each person after receiving this e-mail, sends it to 10 people, probably one life could be saved! I have already shared this information. What about you? Do forward this message. It may save lives!

“Life is a onetime gift” (Let’s forward and hope this will help save some!!!)

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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:


1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap. 

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GREAT TRUTHS THA T ADULT S HAVE LEARNED:

 
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

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GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD


1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) T ime may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

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THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:


1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

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SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . .  Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . .  Having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . .  Having money.
At age 50 success is . . .Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . …Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . Not piddling in your pants.

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And Finally  —  some interesting thoughts on life  —  enjoy. . .

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Till next time. . .don’t forget to check out “Oldies w/ the Old Guy”. . .