Today’s Monotony Breaker includes the proverbial cornucopia of interesting bits of entertainment — and of course the link on Mixcloud to today’s edition of “Oldies w/ the Old Guy” Click on the following
https://www.mixcloud.com/billdickerson/oldies-with-the-old-guy-02-23-16-101theone-3a/ and, as always, let me know what you think. . .
To begin, the ads that follow “supposedly” appeared in a newspaper circulated at “The Villages” in Florida. They are “hilarious.” And having just returned from a few days in Florida — they appear to be entirely reasonable. Enjoy. . .
FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads
MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.
Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey,
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
But it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like
I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like
The old days.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Don’t dig up that garden.
That’s where the bodies are buried.
At 4 a.m. The next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
The entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
- In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
— John Adams
- If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
— Mark Twain
- Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain
- I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
- A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
— George Bernard Shaw
- A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
— G. Gordon Liddy
- Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
—James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
- Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
— Douglas Case, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
- Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
— P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
- Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
— Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)
- Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
—Ronald Reagan (1986)
- I don’t make jokes.I just watch the government and report the facts.
— Will Rogers
- If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!
— P. J. O’Rourke
- In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
- Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!
— Pericles (430 B.C.)
- No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
— Mark Twain (1866)
- Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it.
- The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
— Ronald Reagan
- The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
— Winston Churchill
- The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
— Mark Twain
- The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
— Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
- There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress.
— Mark Twain
- What this country needs are more unemployed politicians
—Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
- A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
— Thomas Jefferson
- We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
Free Sex With Fill Up
A gas station owner in Tennessee was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”
Bubba replied, “It ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.
‘Completed’ and ‘Finished’ What’s the difference?
Especially for English Language Lovers..
Can any one tell the difference between ‘Completed’ and ‘Finished’?
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished.’
However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner.
His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are ‘Complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘Finished.’ And , when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are ‘Completely Finished.’
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
And Finally —
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
5) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge… mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS: How true this one is.
At age 4 success is . . . … Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is … . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is ….. . Having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . … . Having money.
At age 50 success is . .. .. Having money.
At age 70 success is . … . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is … … Having friends.
At age 80 success is . .. .. Not piddling in your pants.